This is the kind of shit I have to deal with every day.

Also the reason why I hired a CS team.

Context: customer places an order for a kpack but does not message me. I confirm and ship the order and I provide tracking. few days after, I start getting messages from the customer:

First contact:

I need ur help because i'm gonna be in trouble.

im very suspicious right now, ive tilted and caused some trouble with some cops via twitter sigaint u name it.

I refuse to check this from my home, and if i go into a library it requires my ID to use a computer-which i also dont want to do.

I had a friend check the tracking from his home. can you provide me with an update when you get the chance?

I am gonna have to turtle the fuck up with this package, as i was walking to the library down the block there was a cop posted at a convenient intersection that would give him a very good idea as to where I live, but I think these guys already know exactly where I live.

they also have my phone number. every hurt ive felt has been a result of parking outside that hot house, and getting into an accident afterwords.

I have no drug charges, but based on times ive dealt with cops they know i have a temper with my parents etc so on and so forth.

I also asked a girl at walgreens that i go to if the cops have asked about me, gave her my number told her to text me and she never did.

I suspect shes a CI, infact the entire walgreens night staff including what seemed to be a manager and a pharmacist rode my ass last time i went in there to buy some vodka. they all kinda lined up behind me to check out useless ass things that night.

I can continue to work for u but first i need this kpack to land safely, I need to really be careful with this package too many goofy things are going on.

Ive learned a lot about law enforcement lately, at the expense of them learning about me- its not a total loss, but I feel there were some neccesary sacrifices. I hope my suspicions are only that- well see.

just writing this as a reminder to myself to be fucking scared, cuz i am.

I did not answer. 1 week later, I get another message from the customer:

the feds got me yesterday for DUI. they used this as an excuse to search my car but luckily they didn't find your bars because they were actually hidden under my bed at my parent's house. I suspect my car might be bugged now, so I have to halt sales. . I flushed all of them, about 700 on the kpack, not asking for anything (no reship not ur fault) but i'm afraid they might try to arrest me now.

I sold around 100 to a few friends and now I'm extremely worried that the feds might be out to get me.

no matter where i move, there is a set of three or more cars that move in unison, one takes one route- the other another. just walked to mcdonalds and on the street to the north of me an SUV was idle until i crossed the street and it then turned on the engine to go west lol.

but i managed to get to mcdonalds and back safely.

its the small victories

2 days pass then I get another message

niles police and evanston detectives showed up to my parents house and talked to them the night before court. said "were here as a result of an investigation." they confirmed I dont live at their residence even though my drivers license says I do (like a pro).

my parents are kinda funny lol, my moms a bad bitch and my dad... is a bitch. hes a goon in his own right though lol.

my moms like "you need to stay the fuck away from cops"

my dads like "youre tarnishing my good name."

so i still think my phones probably tapped. i havent tried a single bar, i still have the percent that 30% or so left cuz i was shitting my pants toooooooo harddddd lol.

so i dunno... if my phone is tapped, the conversation with my parents may have been adequate enough to issue a warrant for my arrest, but i really dont know. my mom isnt one to yell my full name when shes mad, shes a bad bitch anyway i laughed at her on the phone she said "i had diarrhea the entire next day"

im like ay bitch chill ur old ass out i dont need all that info.

theres still infinite heat in my neighborhood and i cant go making sales. cuz these assholes are everrryyyywhere. I dont know what exactly they want but its definitely intense afffffffffffffffff lol.

ill get to the rounds again today- ill be running out of money soon, and I dont believe making sales is a very intelligent thing to do right now.

I just wanna live long enough to win this DUI case lol. if you (or someone) is willing to pay me for shilling $1000/month is more than enough for me to live on

get back to me with ideas- id like to continue to work for you somehow someway. if i dont get a response ill need to hit my parents up for a portion of my rent- cuz i really dont wanna make any sales right now, itll compromise my customers, one of which is really good at what he does and ill try to convince him to have stuff mailed to him. Thanks been fun.

I still dont answer. customer proceeds to go missing for 1 month, then writes me again

yo yo, just checkin in- im still kickin...

im still trying to process everything that happened, i think to get that undercover on me it took A LOT of research... like a tonnn.. they musta been in contact with every police department that ever met me LOL (5-6 I think) LOL

im beginning to think I wont get arrested when i show up to DUI court, because my last court date i got an uber ride from an admitted detective and we talked about a different case (a murder), and he said "yeah i heard they already got him..." and im like "yeah i figured".

I think one of those assholes somewhere likes my retarded ass enough not to arrest me during my last court date... well see about this next one.

they turned up the heat SUPER fast yo, if they turned up that much heat any slower i woulda burned to death LOL.

but #nilespolice literally are fucking worthless at their job. fuck those faggots im keeping their hashtag too.

if i get arrested at this upcoming court date itll be because i cant resist taunting nilespolice LOL

w/e they already paid my bail money YOLO.

i still think its probably in both our best interest that i use a different name and address for the remaining bars shipment

niles has been hunting me since thanksgiving night, thats when my phone was tapped.

I know theyre watching me, and im nearly sure i have a special agent on my case, shes a sexy ass ho who shows up whenever i get outa line, ive seen her 3x- 2x late last month and once in this last week. all she does is glare at me LOL.

this sexy ass special agent does some quirky subtle shit to put me in line though its kinda interesting, scary, and hilarious at the same time.

take care

TLDR: customer orders kpack, obviously gets addicted to bars, gets arrested for DUI, believes massive LE conspiration is out to get him, flushes almost entire kpack. updates me on his situation a month later.


Comments


[182 Points] RosyPalm:

You definitely need to maintain contact until we know more about

this sexy ass special agent


[124 Points] Lolsteroids:

i havent tried a single bar

Yeah right


[104 Points] an_illegal_smile:

I also asked a girl at walgreens that i go to if the cops have asked about me, gave her my number told her to text me and she never did.

Only this far and already I'm howling with laughter


[70 Points] Unluckylouie:

Bartard + serious mental problems = this.

Yeah this is some seriously funny shit. I bet all you do is sit around and read crazy emails all day... And the other day you asked what other bored people do all day? Looks like you got plenty of entertainment.


[34 Points] None:

[deleted]


[31 Points] mantisman7:

The "FEDS" got him for a DUI was my favorite part. Thanks for sharing


[29 Points] None:

reading this cracked me the fuck up, thank you for sharing . dude's schizophrenia must be developing a resilience to the bars...he's.....he's evolving....

I hope you have a contingency plan, because you have just released the 11th plague on the world

but for real you should keep in contact. endless entertainment. don't even have to really engage him, just message asking "any updates, comrade?" every couple months


[27 Points] None:

no reship, not your fault

It was very decent of him not to ask for a reship after flushing all of his drugs due to a paranoid delusion.


[27 Points] qsift2:

calls his momma a bad bitch.. omfg chill m8


[20 Points] tnegaeR:

I lost brain cells reading that.


[19 Points] BrunoTheBigBlackMan:

Kind of feel bad for the guy, on one hand he's bat shit insane, but he's probably so insane he has no friends so he resorts to talking to online drug dealers. His parents don't like him at all he's more than likely single and gets rejected by everyone cause he's insane.


[17 Points] DoubleHappiness_AB:

It astonishes me how some people manage to function on their own like this.


[11 Points] Alphabayt:

That's some weird shit


[12 Points] throwawayywtfweiirdd:

what. the. fuck. this freak literally must live like 10min away from me. northshore of chicago in case ppl are wondering. funny thing is, this fag isn't wrong about the police being brutal as ever.


[7 Points] None:

Scary that person is mentally ill.


[6 Points] chefjoesb:

This seriously has to be nominated for one of the posts of the year. You can't make this shit up, it's comedic gold! lol I find myself torn as to whether to root for the police so this wingnut is taken off the streets or root for him so we can continue to receive updates as James Bond here goes about his business lmao


[7 Points] Theeconomist1:

Sounds like a reasonable guy.


[6 Points] silenthams:

This kid needs some help.


[4 Points] ripndipp:

What in the fuck, dude had a psychotic break.


[5 Points] zman3000:

I feel bad for the kid he obviously has paranoid schizophrenia, more than just bars nobody taking bars is this paranoid. Feels like he's apart of some cool underground dealer crew and your his boss/friend, and doesn't know who else to talk too about his delusions.


[5 Points] my_dnm_alt:

His paranoia and delusions seem like the result of a drug induced psychosis or exacerbated by drugs and there's no telling what he's capable of doing in his madness. This is really terrifying to me but maybe I've done too much acid and understand that sanity is precious.

Hey /u/alpraking,

Would you feel any duty to intervene in some way if he mentions violence? I doubt you'd do something like that but would you feel bad if he did something fucked up? I'm just wondering because this is a fascinating fucking read man.


[4 Points] Critical386:

HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS GUY NOT CHOKE ON HIS TOOTHBRUSH AND DIE WHEN HE WAKES UP IN THE MORNING?


[4 Points] None:

Wow this /r/drugs story stuff right here...


[3 Points] GreenMatters:

That's what happens when you deal in harder drugs, you need to hire a CS team just to deal with addiction... ;) ~GM


[3 Points] rengar_senpai:

LMAO this is quality banter


[3 Points] Nano-Bunny:

The fuck man... I can't believe I actually read the whole thing. Like, I don't even have anything funny to say about it. Dude needs to bring that shit down a peg... or like 50.

Edit:

Mother fucker needs some serious help.


[1 Points] None:

Tell him you are a corrupt government official and if he doesn't give you 1000 btc you will blow the lid off his whole operation and frame his family too.

For the moralfags: There are wolves and sheep in this world ;)


[3 Points] papayabananatree:

So suddenly I'm questioning if everything I thought was humor/sarcasm on here is sarcasm. Like The Matrix showed us, you'll believe some crazy shit if your life is unfulfilling (I maintain that the Matrix was the story of a man who lost his grasp on reality. The blue pill was in fact the way to the real world, while the red pill was similar to LSD in that it kind of indulged his fantasies. As reality is relative, the Matrix decided to show us the reality not widely accepted)


[3 Points] toochill700:

People are fucking crazy.


[2 Points] None:

facepalm


[2 Points] SilntNfrno:

Good shit. We want moar!


[2 Points] swolemedic:

People are saying bartard but it sounds like schizophrenia to me, it also sounds like he's at a common age to develop it. Poor kid


[1 Points] DOOT_DOOT_:

You sure you aren't /u/firearmconcierge


[2 Points] None:

never thought about this, but on average, how many bullshit emails do u receive a week? lol


[2 Points] freenarative:

Ok... Having never met the terms before, can I ask: what are "kpack" and "bars".

I'm assuming a "kpack" is a kilo?


[2 Points] Stonedthrowaway16:

Sounds like my friend who suffers from schizophrenia... They truly believe their own conjured up, paranoid thoughts. It's sad.


[2 Points] sullyrb:

please reply to him and post the results. tell him youre a cop from the future and youve id'ed his skin, the only way he'll be safe is to cut it all off or wear a burka


[2 Points] Ruda357:

I need a sexy special agent ho to show up when I'm outa line those are goals


[2 Points] 19pb4l96:

This whole post is is exactly what I needed today


[2 Points] None:

what's a kpack?


[1 Points] JustinTrudeau_seller:

WOW HAHAHA he should've swallow these bars


[1 Points] DarkKnight_1111:

Lol, Jesus. Delusions of grandeur?


[1 Points] Devoid_:

I don't have the patience to be a vendor, your basically a saint


[1 Points] UDGHT:

/u/AlpraKing This is pure gold! I know you are busy working on the next installment of the kingpin cookbook but what you should also do is every other week or so share some more stories like this! 5/5 would order again!


[1 Points] ThankYouBasedGodLilB:

Lmfao


[1 Points] None:

OH MY GOD IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE WHEN YOU REALIZE HE IS FROM EVANSTON. good old north shore trust fund boys.


[1 Points] None:

[removed]


[1 Points] topknotch89:

fucking hallucinating and shit. how rich


[1 Points] None:

I never get sexy special agents following me.... :-(


[1 Points] Oopsieshaha:

Dude needs to kust simply get off drugs, stop buying drugs, leave the DNMS, tor, and the internet alone....AND GET A REAL JOB AND make NEW friends and start fresh.....not to mention, lay low and get their own place


[1 Points] redeyeddeviant:

That made my head hurt


[1 Points] diamondnemesis:

Lol, this is more of a "Dear Diary" entry. I love it. Fascinating adventures


[1 Points] SecondChanceUsername:

Probably didn't have LE on to him until he went around asking random walmart cashiers and night janitors if they were UC Fed's who were after him 'for nothing'...Then Walgreens(who turns out were just regular employees) called the real POPO on sketchy ass Custy from the OP and gave him his debit card name and info so they started following him. Happened to be tailing him the night he got a dui. (If you're THAT paranoid you're being stalked by Feds; ProTip: don't drunk drive)...This guy is such an idiot. And police are bigger idiots for only getting him on a DUI. But at least they got him to flush 700/outta his K.

And @ AK...feel free to have this guy send me some of your bars that he pays for!...ill be his "Friend"! haha...

Fruit hangs lower than ya would believe sometimes...did i see 'twitter'? And him call his mom a 'bad bitch' and his dad a 'goon' while also saying the the Feds bothered to waste their time pulling this idiot over for a drink-drive, but didn't arrest or raid residence for Xans? ...weirddddd....

TLDR,

Poor kid just wants to make "$1000/month" for shilling on reddit, when his OPSEC clearly warrants that type of pay grade...no...his pay grade is slightly beneath sled-dragging level.


[1 Points] junkitactics:

lol thats a good one #quantik


[1 Points] None:

Dude. Just...wow.


[1 Points] badbrain86:

Well you could always get a real job


[1 Points] TreyWait:

2 words: GO AWAY


[1 Points] None:

This made me chuckle and I haven't even finished my first cup of coffee, I'm trying to fuck this dudes mom cause she's such a "bad bitch" or so I've heard.


[1 Points] tokensue:

Shit the bed ! They say kids are the future ! That's one fucked up future right there .


[1 Points] boobby1250:

im like ay bitch chill ur old ass out i dont need all that info.

Lmao, Message him back this line.


[1 Points] CouldntThinkOfJuan:

I'm speechless.


[1 Points] elloman13:

This is just sad. Fucking tripping addict junkie piece of shit


[1 Points] bodevelho:

kpack = 1000 bars pack of XANAX? How can someone get paranoia from xanax ? Am I missing something here? I've done alot of xanax's and valiums and still do when I abuse stimulants and they actually stop that stimulant-paranoia you get after you binge from some days... so xanax is supose to do the opposite of this?

This xanax bar might have something else on it to cause the paranoia no? Lol


[1 Points] f987sdjj:

Probably related these guys https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOmRi927TPI


[1 Points] R_O_F_L:

I know theyre watching me, and im nearly sure i have a special agent on my case, shes a sexy ass ho who shows up whenever i get outa line, ive seen her 3x- 2x late last month and once in this last week. all she does is glare at me LOL.

This is why I like this sub


[1 Points] HeroAvenger:

.............................................................


[1 Points] justwonderrinng:

She'll be back to put him in line soon with some quirky subtle shit.


[1 Points] VendorNexis:

You can find k packs for 599.


[1 Points] None:

Lol at the part where he says " I don't know if I can still work for you"


[1 Points] psilocydonia:

I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is a friend of yours fucking with you. It's too damn funny for it to be real.


[1 Points] PierceArrow02:

Damn kid....I didn't know you liked to get wet though.....you know Angel dust, PCP, sherm...buck naked....that's what ya had, that's what ya been smokin....you didn't taste it? WTF lol holy fucking hell hahaha my god. I mean MAYBE there is someONE paying attention to this person but jesus h christ this guy thinks the entire city's police spend every waking moment following just him, recruiting apparently the entire staff of a random fucking walgreens to....I guess line up behind him to (OMG THEY'RE ONTO ME) buy things? lol seriously....back to my first sentence; Angel dust, pcp, sherm....this fool needs a towel he's so wet wit it.


[1 Points] stilldogman:

This comment has been overwritten by an open source script to protect this user's privacy. It was created to help protect users from doxing, stalking, and harassment.

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[-7 Points] None:

[removed]