I had two orders that might have come today if shipped promptly...but no. Opening the box and seeing nothing...like finding out Christmas is cancelled. And now I'm sad and depressed as hell and about to be in w/d. Please somebody tell me you know what this is like. I feel real alone.
Oh boy do I know that feel. It's been ages since I ordered anything but years ago during December I had ordered from a small time vendor that I'd gone through several times before. He was always on top of things, quick to reply and send product. This was back on SR1. Then, suddenly, offline for days and no communication. Funds were in escrow so exit scam didn't make sense. So I dispute it and suddenly vendor shows up. He was in a bad car accident and the driver (family member) died. He apologized and offered to send me an old school panda with my original order. I was like "fuck yes!". Then nothing, nothing, nothing. Finally I get refunded by SR. Vendor eventually shows up and says the person making the drops was stealing from them and not shipping. So, I ordered again, full escrow, and finally get my stuff.
The guy was probably being honest. Luckily I never lost my shit with him in my messages. But dude, this was a solid month of going to the mailbox, finding nothing, and walking back inside with my heart dragging behind me. Every. Single. Day.
Now, fortunately I had subs on hand and local connects so no w/d.
It's like: go to the mailbox, open.... sloooowly, sift through junk mail, hmmmm, doesn't appear to be in here, look again, still nothing, look again, still nothing, go through mail again, nothing... Realization hits. FUCK! It's Saturday.... no mail tomorrow... Fucking 48hrs at least!? I'd look around and see people carrying on, just going about their day. At this point it didn't matter how nice a day it was because then I'd just go inside and shift uncomfortably thinking the same thoughts over and over again about how nice it would have been to have gotten my pack. Color slowly drains from the world and time slows down. So focused on what could have been to avoid focusing on what's in store for me. I had such great plans and now..... panic sets in as I try to imagine doing ANYTHING without that opiate glow and motivation.
I start going over my weekend plans in my head, what can I cancel? How? How to get out of my plans? Damn it! If only that package was there! Then I start to fantasize about what I'd be doing if it had come. Ahhhh, so carefree, warm, and motivated. Damn it, I had a chance to pick up irl and didn't because I was waiting on this pack!! But now that opportunity has passed and here I am empty handed. FUCK!!!
On the bright side, as gloomy as it was, I survived of course. And those times always made me think about quitting. I'd think about how many people are outside right now enjoying themselves, free of chemical dependencies. Not tethered to a substance. Just complete in being themselves and seemingly happy. They have no idea what any of this is like. I was basically having neuro transmitters mailed to me when these people outside had their own and were getting along just fine.
Eventually, I did quit. And moments like that had a big part in it. So looking back, even though I was in such despair, I'm grateful for those times now. You're not alone! That pack will come. Keeping busy helped me take my mind off it.... sometimes.