I read posts about these stupid bartards who pop multiple xanax presses a day. i got a small 30 sample pack for personal use and used them to comfort myself during heroin withdrawal. i took half of one in the morning, half at night, sometimes only half at night, sometimes id skip a day. i gave a bunch away, i still have 8-9 left. and i had been taking half a bar every other night until yesterday. and my god. i am already super sensitive to opiate withdrawals, i cant even use but once every few weeks and i will still be somewhat noticeably sick and fucked up for days afterwards. the slight xanax withdrawal is horrible. even when i close my eyes lights are still very bright, im super agitated and depressed, i sleep but i dont really sleep... its horrible. id rather withdraw from heroin than a major xanax habit. honestly fuck all drugs. i just feel done with it. even pot turns me off these days... ill be taking naltrexone so i cant get high. i hope to break this cycle. nothing good has come of my drug use and all the emotional problems i have been running from are back knocking on my door. its painful. fuck it.
i know this post is titled xanax but i must say this... i feel like ive wasted years of my life hiding behind heroin... but even now knowing how much sadness and deep dark despair its brought me my mind remembers the short bursts of comfort and euphoria it offered me.... i know life can be better... but its a hell of a fucking slog to get there. to everyone starting with fucking with opiates... still in their honeymoon stage: really re-evaluate what you are doing. i used to pop some tramadol and codeine and smoke a joint and take an ativan and drink some wine and feel fine as fuck. then i said fuck it after a heartbreak and starting taking heroin a couple times a week. it was great. but then slowly dependency set in. and then it was me getting sick on the days off made it easier to just keep using every day all day... and those were some bad times. exactly 1 year ago i kicked my first habit. and then i was dumb enough to think i could chip. all it does it re-start minor withdrawals over and over again, i even went 2 weeks between uses, 1 month even!!! and i still got sick 48 hours after my last dose even if i only used once or twice in a 24 hour period.
im just saying --- heroin is great. if you can keep it to once a month and NEVER cop a daily habit you will prob be fine (until you get a fent bag and die peacefully in your sleep) but if you have ever had a habit of any kind your body and brain chemistry remembers and there is really no such thing as chipping anymore. it sucks. heroin was really this god-send for me. i cant describe to you the feelings of loneliness, depression, emptiness ive struggled with in my life. the physical injuries ive never been able to get/afford proper treatment or surgery for.... im not the same person anymore, for better and for worse. im stronger in some ways, i can endure the worst (imagine having a chronic pain condition, withdrawing from opiates and not having anything to take you away from that place) but also i know i am weak cause if i had a bag in my drawer id be shooting/snorting/boofing that shit right now. the relaxation and relief it can offer is amazing but short lived and bites back harder than it gives... plus all the fentanyl and research chems around. unless I use DNMs i am getting fent cut shit or no heroin at all just pure fent and cut.... almost OD'd last week on the smallest amount..
its just that i see alot of posters that are obviously never the types to cop heroin off the street and use it but they know how to use a computer and the postal system to receive it. just find better alternatives to find relief in. xanax, heroin, whatever... its all bad shit. im not saying the drugs themselves but the fact you will get dependent. opiate withdrawal is a hell on earth but you will survive. benzo withdrawal is long, protracted, and can potentially permanently change you and kill you. you have these vendors that are more than willing to take your money to sell you shit and they act like its something more than the street dealer dynamic when it isnt. it seems benign when its over the computer screen versus copping your drugs off a gang run delivery line where a tattooed kid on steroids shows up with your shit as you dry heave in a parking lot somewhere at 2 pm on a hot summer day...
but then again, the DNMs at least offer a somewhat safer alternative to copping on the street. you can actually still get real heroin that is relatively pure. god, right now, im thining about using some of my left over btc to just buy a quarter gram of some of that fire no4 i know this certain vendor has. knowing how amazing ill feel when that pack lands in a few days and i rush back to my room, put my favorite music on and shoot a bag and let all my problems and miseries wash away. i am going to force myself to get those naltrexone tablets and pop one the first thing i do when i roll out of bed so i at least dont even have the option to get high. but even then i know one day i will plan a relapse and stop taking them for a few days. god damn god damn god damn god damn god damn god damn.
dont get me started on how you will be treated if you go for help. i made a serious, SERIOUS mistake admitting my addiction problems to doctors. i thought they would help. where im from there is a severe doctor shortage and they are more likely to shut the book on you and push you out the door, they already have a hundred patients with "legitimate" medical problems, why would they want to treat a junkie who obviously did this to himself, nevermind the fact that its their profession that refused to treat my pain condition properly in the first place... there is no one to rely on other than yourself. a doctor will not fix you. a rehab alone will not fix you. you need to fight and push and struggle to survive. i am starting to find myself again but i always end up getting to a place of relative comfort and then cop a fucking bag and set myself back again and each time its worse and worse. i cant describe it to you but it must be a fraction of what the torment of a hell, if it exists, would be like. we create our own hells. these pharmaceutical companies invent all these drugs that you can get hooked on but where is the corporation investing R&D into how to rediscover spiritualism and being one with nature and the world and humanity?? the world is a sick place. i cannot wait until we wipe eachother off the fucking planet and animals and plants take over where our dirty cities and factories have been and man is but a small scattering of wandering tribes and rural settlers living in the fields and mountains of our dreams.
the DNM dream was one of this free libertarian type utopia where everyone can operate in a somewhat unencumbered manner.... then came the scammers, ripoff artists, doxxers, etc... do your part and dont support vendors that have ever taken part in shilly bullshit.. if a vendor has EVER ripped someone off in any way, strike them from your list, never use them and tell others to avoid them. they dont deserve your business. these fucks think that since they are behind a computer screen and anonymous you have to take all the risk as a buyer and that its fine to selective scam, etc. fuck that. vote with your btc. the fact that there are vendors out there right now who are known to sell bunk product sometimes, pull the bait and switch, cut their shit, and they are making hella BTC proves that we, as users, are not doing our job to enforce the ideals of the original silk road. ross sits in prison and all the while the least we can do is ensure the original ideals arent perverted as much as they have been.
rant over
TL;DR: Xanax ruined his life.