Someone asked me for my story in another thread. I typed it out, so I think it deserves its own thread.
Prepare for a long story. This is going to start from the complete beginning, its all relevant/important. I'll bold the different sections though, if you're only interested in the nBome story you can skip to that section.
The Beginning
I first learned of the darknet in 2011, I was still in high school. I thought it was cool, my friends and I thought the Silk Road was a funny concept. What the fuck was fishscale cocaine or black tar heroin? It sounded ridiculous. I never ordered anything.
I had always been depressed, but never really realized it. One night in late 2012 something happened, and it threw me over the edge. I wanted to die. I just wanted to be released from this life. That night I started looking up ways to commit suicide easily. I wondered what it felt like to die, and started researching near death experiences. I eventually heard of ketamine. Researching ketamine I heard of a new chemical with amazing antidepressant effects called Methoxetamine. I decided to try it before commiting suicide. I had no idea where to find it, until I remembered the Silk Road.
Methoxetamine
Fast forward a week or 10 days. I had ordered some methoxetamine from Tunbear and a scale from Amazon. I was very nervous because the package was coming to my parents house, but they foolishly trusted me and would never go through my mail. It arrived! I had never drank or tried any sort of drug before, not even cannabis. I was nervous, but excited. Maybe I could finally begin to feel something, rather than just nothing.
I started off with 20mg of MXE, I didn't feel anything really. The next night 30mg. Still nothing really. I was very confused, I wouldn't know until later that Tunbear's MXE was really shitty.
One night I took 50-60mg. I finally felt high! It was great! I decided to redose. Then I forgot I redosed so I redosed more. I estimate I took 250-325mg of MXE total that night. I remember rolling around uncontrollably in my bed, then getting up to go take a shower in the middle of the night, after vomiting in the sink. After the shower I remember thinking to myself "I fucked up. I'm permanantly high. My body is in the hospital right now, my parents found me, I'm going to be stuck inside my high mind forever." Obviously this wasn't true, but it didn't stop me from lying on the bathroom floor, crying and begging for God to save me.
This night was probably the most important night of my life. It taught me the power of drugs, and that while being a powerful tool could also burn you. The MXE almost completely lifted my depression. I didn't know life could feel so good, I had never been happy like this before! I didn't even have to dose regularly, just every couple of months or so.
The nBome Disaster
Fast forward nearly 1 year. At this point I had smoked weed once or twice, but hated it. I tried every drug I could get my hands on. 2c-b, 2c-i, MDMA, shrooms, 4-aco-dmt, ketamine, and of course a whole lot of MXE. But this story is about nbomes. I had tried 25i, 25b, and 25c. My favorite by far was 25b nbome. The visuals are unlike anything I have ever seen.
Its my birthday! I was a bummed because no one wanted to come hang out, but eventually I got some people to, including my right hand man. (I introduced him to MXE, and we became the best of friends. Some of the best nights in my life were us taking MXE, 35mg sublingual from SpaceshipUSAsafeship, and talking about the mysteries of life, religion, and the universe).
He and his girlfriend had just gotten into a big fight, and so did my girlfriend and I (all these years later though, and we are still going strong. I can't say the same for them). On my birthday of all nights. (Un)luckily I had just received a sheet of 1000ug 25B-nBome from j1m1th1ng! It was his first time trying nbome, and I tried hard to talk him out of it. Eventually he convinced me that since we had a trip sitter we would be fine. How wrong he was. I ate 3 tabs, my preferred dosage, he ate one. Within 5 minutes I knew something was wrong so I spit them out. I was getting way too high way too fast.
The rest of the night is still in bits and pieces. I remember trying to calm down, but my chest was so tight, my heart was beating so fast, and I was so warm I was convinced I was going to die. I begged my sitter to call 911. He was the worst trip sitter ever. He called my girlfriend and told me to talk to her. I was incapable of speech, the only things I could say were "Doctor. Hospital. 911." Obviously this was unhelpful. They never called.
As the night progressed I became more and more depersonalized. The pain in my chest kept getting worse and worse, I thought I was going to explode. The visuals were so intense they blocked out my actual vision. I became a piece of thread, weaving through a piece of fabric that looked like burlap. This was the universe. I kept saying and um and um and um and um for what felt like an eternity. My friend turned into a redneck baseball player before my eyes, and beat up an umpire. All of this was imagined. I freaked out more; I was an adult now, who did adults call when something was wrong? Their mom? Their neighbors? 911?
I was convinced my friend was evil. I'm told he pushed me down a flght of stairs. He ran through my house, waking up my mom and scaring the shit out of my little sisters. My mom called my dad, he came home from work. They called my friends mom because he was way too dangerous and violent. She picked him up, he punched holes in the roof of her new car. I told my parents everything while tripping. Bitcoins, the SR, where my stash was, everything. My sitter tried to get me to blame it all on my friend, but I never did and never will.
While being interrogated, I was living through my life again and again and again, from birth until death, lots of real memories and some imagined ones. I saw glimpses of my piece of shit cousin, thought I was turning into him. I finally felt at piece when I looked up into the light and died. Then it started all over again. Eventually I convinced myself that this was all a conspiracy; my girlfriend had told my parents about my dangerous drug use and they did this to me in order to get rid of my stash and teach me a lesson. After they left me alone in the basement to watch the "snakes" come for me and come down, I thought I was supposed to go upstairs and see everyone cheering for me for battling through the trip.
I was wrong. I shattered my relationship with my parents and my best friend. I nearly lost my girlfriend. I told my parents it was because I was depressed. I blamed it all on depression, but this isn't completely true. They wanted to send me to rehab, but I proved I wasn't an addict. They told me therapy or jail. I chose therapy. They wanted to sit in on my therapy, but I told them no. I didn't want to destroy their relationship and hurt my father or mother. Even though at the time I hated him. My father had triggered all of this through emotional abuse and cheating on my mom. I knew about the affair but kept it quiet. I still am. My therapist says it is better that way; that marriages are complicated.
Closing
My relationship with my parents is healed by now. The depression is not. I thought I hit rock bottom before I tried MXE, I didn't think things could get worse. They are. I think about suicide every day. I'm learning to recognize patterns though, and I'm trying to heal a little bit every day. I get high now less often than ever. After that experience, I didn't get high for over a year. I tripped for the first time 14 months after the incident, and had panic attacks. I had panic attacks every time I tripped, until eventually I ate 80mg of 4-aco-dmt. I had a horrible time, but faced my darkness and haven't had a bad trip since.
It feels good to type this out. I don't think I've ever told someone the entire story before. Whether anyone reads this or not, I like having it out there.
Drugs saved my life.
I dunno about that man. anyway, just being completely honest but I think you should lay off the drugs. doesn't sound like they're doing you much good.
or just ratchet up the drug use, big time. all the hardcore junkies I know don't have time to think about suicide, they gotta figure out a way to get some more dope!