I started to go to the DNM to get L. I had ordered from a good vendor, and I started to fall in love with this magical substance that made colors brighter, made music videos exciting, I loved watching these spiraling fractals dance on my ceiling.
A bit of background about my other drug history, I was an opioid addict at one point but got clean for 2 years. Relapsed on r30's and then moved to suboxone/subutex since it was cheaper just to keep the sickness away.
One of my best L experiences was at a concert where all the lasers looked amazing and outside walking I could see the ground glowing and dancing in front of me growing outward like a fast growing kind of gateway opening in front of me as i moved, it would dance in pretty kaleidoscope dances as well. Strong 12 hour rides, great feels, etc.
Move forward to my next order I had switched vendors because of the way the markets were going. Instead of my usual 100ug tabs, i found some that were 200ug..
This is the first time i noticed something was different about my experience. First off I had thought my penis had some kind of major issue I couldnt piss for the life of me, and he was very inadequate, if thats not an ego kill i dont know what is. Visually the spirals on the ceiling didnt have the same pattern or fancy moves and dancing they once did. Even watching a movie that should have been great like Avitar started appearing really weird and odd to me, like i could look at the screen and there were eyes where there shouldn't have been. The whole experience made me want to turn the TV off and not even deal with the stress that was mentally building, my thoughts felt fuzzy and I could only tell my girl that had taken it with me I loved her, and had to try to hold it together for the rest of the trip to try and comfort her. At one point i described it as being able to look at the left side of her face and see like a frown and disappointment, and the ride side like the happy side, everything i seemed to focus on had this split view like my eyes were both getting mixed signals. Thoughts were random, sometimes not great not sure where some ideas surfaced from but, eventually i made it through it started to wear off and things returned to normal.
I thought those 200ug maybe something was off, so i got rid of those and got some new from my old vendor at 100ug but these were supposed to be needlepoint and cleaner and more pure. About this time i was wondering if my opioid dependence had something going on with this since i block my mu receptors and keep my brain fed with the suboxone, i eventually got a naltroxone expended release injection to force myself into WD and for 30 days i wouldnt be able to take any opioids. Fast forward I try to take my normal dose, and even after step it down to 200ug from my usual 300ug and I still had these visual oddities, the dancing never returned the colors not as vibrant more of a wavey what i would call mushroom feel... not the pretty lights and love and comfort i was used to from before..
After trying to find some people that might could relate i found "vasoconstriction from the serotogenic effects" and i wonder if thats what i had been experiencing..
also i found this "The psychedelic effects come from LSD activating a certain serotonin sub receptor named the 5HT2a receptor, which regulates the senses, thought, memory, learning, sleep, vasoconstriction and more."
So I am wondering I tried to keep off everything for long enough i thought my brain would be healthy enough to go back to the previous experiences and be an enjoyable trip like before because it was so magical, but I question the L, other people that sampled it with me said it was very intense and great, but for me its not that i try for it to be, but it becomes a kind of mind fuck, watching a movie I could see characters faces twitching and fluxing back and forth like their buffering going from 1 second play to 3 second and back and forth 4 times before going forward.. idk how else to describe that.. and the mood just wasnt what it had been before, before i had this spiritual feeling and was so happy i was in tears feeling loved and content. It gets to the point i wonder about trying it again or giving up, I have ordered from another vendor a different set of 105ug to see if i could take 2 and ease through it and hopefully bring back the magic.. but i wonder if i should take something for the vasoconstriction ive been experiencing..
The time that was perfect at the concert was 12 out of 10... i was able to be in public, function, see so many pretty things, but these other experiences i am so glad i was home and safe because the feeling of having to piss yourself, or worried you had already pissed the bed makes you feel awful and i just hate that my girl doesn't get that I am having a struggle with it.. I surely hope that it can return to its original state, but I know these are mind altering substances and I wouldnt trade the bad experiences for how great the good ones were.. I just wanted to reach out and see if anyone could shed some light or share some tips on what might be occurring. Also I do vape nicotine, I read that might be something i want to abstain from during the trip. Thanks for your input
Mind-set and setting my friend, mind-set and setting.