Sheepmarket admin Hospodářské Noviny's diary RELEASED

Excuse my poor english-czech translation, I had to translate this by hand, which is difficult when smoking multiple joints. I had lost the exact dates and so I'm going my best to put this all in chronological order. Certain idoms have been replaced to increase readability.

These are the excerpts from novinytotallydidit.cz

Dear diary, I stumbled upon bitwasp sourcecode today. What kind of sheep gives away black market source code? I will return to this later, for it is saturday and my grandfather gets his pension check and backpills today.

Dear diary, I found someone on local bitcoins willing to take a television set for bitcoins.

Dear diary, today I realized that this silk road website is obviously very poorly coded. Someone has replaced the photos of my favorite heroins with some sort of quick buy thing. It does not sound right but who would abscond with my bitcoins? Certainly I should trust them, and perhaps I will make some money selling bitwasp to their administrator. I would like one hundred million dollars but I would settle for a half gram of heroin.

Dear diary, today my parents found me at my grandfather's house asleep and his back pills were missing. I assured them that he beat me mercilessly and had to take them to survive. I may have to enter the cold dark world on my own. Thankfully I have since cashed his pension check and will soon have more heroin.

Dear diary, I met a handsome programmer today who claims he could host my bitwasp source code on his server. After giving him a blowjob my server was fully hosted but he did not give me the admin password until after a second blowjob. I am afraid he may return later.

Dear diary, my competing website has been taken down by the americans. Today is a day to rejoice, and after today I no longer have to offer prospective vendors sexual favors in exchange for setting up on my hidden service, they are all flocking to my site. My aching anus(*I believed at first this was an idiom but it may be a correct direct translation) is delighted but prepared for what is to come tonight.

Dear diary, woe is me. I had too much heroin today and am now in hospital. On the positive side I met a woman, and after some payment I was not the one giving blowjobs. She was not very good, and so I gave her much needed advice on how to please a man.

Dear diary, I enjoy administrating this hidden service very much. I have made a clearnet portal to my hidden service from the local cafe as so nobody will know its me. I did not trust the CCTV and so I have devised a fantastic disguise.

Dear diary, the local news is on the look out for a potentially dangerous, mustached man with a large nose and glasses who terrified a coffee shop with frightening laughter. I fear my disguise may have aroused suspicion. Three people did purchase my sheep marketplace stickers though, after inquiring what that logo on my laptop was.

Dear diary, GoDaddy is not responding to my support tickets.

Dear diary, my programmer is not happy at all with me. I will attempt to bribe him with stickers.

Dear diary, my anus aches once again. Running a successful underground drug market is very difficult. I have examined my website's source code and realized that it is a programming language. My years of Morse code experience will not be paying off.

Dear diary, my favorite heroin vendor now wants money or else he will release my dox. I have repeatedly offered him blowjobs but he declines. I do not know how to proceed, my millions of hard earned dollars will not be shared with this loathsome hooligan that I permit on my hidden service. I have banned him but he returns under different account names. I will try to block the IP addresses he uses with each new account.

Dear diary, no one is able to connect to my hidden service anymore and I do not know how to fix this because I cannot connect either.

Dear diary, GoDaddy still has not responded to my support tickets.

Dear diary, the local cafe will not accept bitcoin and I do not have any fiat money.

Dear diary, my dox has been posted again and again and so I have insinuated that I am being framed. Soon I will have an interview to dispel these rumors about my connection to my marketplace that I still cannot bring back up.

Dear diary, I am afraid I must move home with my parents but they will not take me. My grandfather is in a nursing home, so I will buy him a more fitting house for us with bitcoin.

Dear diary, there is a knock at my door.


Comments


[7 Points] None:

This is the creepiest shit I've read in this month.

I really need to stop getting on this subreddit when getting fucked up.

P.S. Just understood this was a joke. Damn you, Finlandia, for making me think stuff like this are legit.


[3 Points] noonehear:

I had whiskey come out of my nose from laughing when I got to the "years of Morse code experience will not be paying off."

Thanks. Whiskey burns in the nasal cavity by the way...


[2 Points] None:

I feel like it is good in concept, but I was expecting more of a Borat and maybe some animal fucking instead of the weird Burrowsesque anus and heroin references.