[SERIAL] [Vendor Review] [Ep.1:Miss Jessica 1g Meth (Nuc) [Yes There Are Prizes But U Must Earn It You Slag]

Ultimately, the goal is to post a review my recent order of 1g Methamphetamine from MissJessica off of Nucleus for approximately 60 dollars, this review will be the grand finale

Next Paragraph May Contain Spoilers, but Probably only if You Are Smart Enough To Figure Them Out Based on the Context. You Know Who You Are!

Please be aware that this is a several part series which will be released periodically although it was written during a single sitting thanks to essentially super-human dedication to nearly worthless tasks! While some people say meth reviews should be judged by length alone, I really feel like that dampens the amount of effort I put into this. Also, Episode 1 got a little crazy. Make sure to check out episode 2 if you are looking for a bit more useful info / concrete thought / insightful discussion about the state of the DNM. Thanks to you, DNM community and thanks again MJ!

But hold up tho. YO! DJ! Slow that beat down a minute, and bring the bass up, I can't hear that shit in my headphones. I mean come on, when you 'bout to do those dirty things you do on chicks you can't just slam it in while they're sitting there with their jaw all dropped (impressed by size) watching you cradle your bro-hammer, do ya? Well... DO YA? No, no you don't. You wait till they're not paying attention and then you dart it in. SurPRIZE!

And just like a determined father on a road trip, "GOD DAMN IT WE ARE GOING TO HAVE FUN." But "sorry dad who never REALLY encouraged any of my real interests or passions," this time we're doing it my way.... "SERIAL STYLE." Ooooooh yes, just wait bc we'll get to that. And, Oh.... yeah... did I subtly mention the mfn fucking prizes yet?

BUT FIRST, as motherfucking always, "you might have to wade through some of the ol' shit first", as they say. At least my alcoholic uncle used to tell me that all the time.

So please, consider the following:

One of my favorite songs has to be that one that goes "We Didn't Start the Fire..." But somebody had to have, right? Anyway that just a side note. Or a clue to the first riddle that you probably don't know about yet unless you skipped ahead like an asshole or have mastered more advanced test-taking techniques like reading the last sentence first. Or... it could just be a red herring, which is a just a type of smelly fish. Or I guess you might decide to ignore that entire paragraph BECAUSE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE RIDDLE.

Now, you may have heard of the highly acclaimed and wildly suspenseful podcast "Serial," which is universally adored for is captivating narrative and true-to-life feel.

Well, I fucking HATED it. Not important? You riddle guessers tell me?

Although, admittedly I do bear the strangely heavy burden of an uncomfortably intense sexual longing for the very Jewish looking maker, Sarah Koenig. Oh, how it weighs on me. I want to try e-mailing her but I'm scared. Of course, classically she wouldn't fare well on a traditional 1-7 scale, but there is something about that squat frame hovering in about the 3.5 range that absolutely enrages the mexican dire-wolf dwelling amongst my loins (who, btw, I have named "Alexander Akimov".) But I digress.

Combining my penchent for the fanciful along with my current energy levels bordering just below ***"chernobyl,"* I will release this SERIAL REVIEW as a SET OF SERIAL EPISODES OF ALL TO ENJOY.**

...Annnnnd, let us pause for a moment. Heretofore I was getting a little crazy. I was getting a little gruff with the language. And it was fun, but that's over now. We're changing gears. Let's get a little more serial, let's get a little more cerebral, and lets share some opinions, win some prizes and have some fun. Oops, did I mention prizes again, what a fucking thrull ass bitch I am. Instead, lets step back... it's *time to set some expectations.

Here is the minimum of what you can expect over the course of the Serial Program:

Episode 1 - (much of what you've already read) will contain nearly no content, but will lay down the ground rules and generally get everyone on the same page.

I'll tell my the whole truth and nothing but the truth about my view template usage.

I will provide some very basic advice about shaking babies, As well as provide myself as a resource in case you're worried that you may shake a baby. (Edit: Advice on how to avoid shaking babies... jesus people)

I will speak toward my personal goals as a reviewer and as a contributor this this community.

Directly related, I will speak toward my goals specific to OUR very own snug little Dark community. And I will stress that it IS ours, but only if we make it and keep it so.

I will briefly discuss several of my past reviews, clarifications, little tidbits for which you to nibble upon like the bottom-dwelling catfish-like abominations that I complusively imagine most internet people to be.

I will then leave the review to end all reviews, down to the most absolute minutiae (albeit with grandmaster toad style, very strong, and when used correctly is nearly invincible) of at least one of my latest orders, being as fucking thorough and god-damned objective as I can. Which, I assure you... is very, very fucking thorough and objective. I do have several other reviews backed up that I'll throw in if I can manage that. Which I can. Manage that, that is, I'm fucking pumped.

but i bet u didn't expect the bonus prizes time, bitches!

FUCKING BONUS PRIZES: I HAVE HIDDEN WHAT YOU MAY CONSIDER RIDDLES, HIDDEN MEANINGS, DOUBLE ENTENDRES, SECRETS, PLOT TWISTS ETC., THROUGHOUT THE SERIAL. THE FIRST PERSON TO CORRECTLY GUESS OR IDENTIFY (in the comments please, don't spam my f'n pm folder) ANY OF THE AFOREMENTIONED WILL RECEIVE UP TO 0.1 BTC PER AS PRIZE CASH UNTIL I RUN OUT OF CASH OR ALL THE SECRETS ARE GUESSED. AGAIN, LEAVE YOUR GUESSES IN THE COMMENTS SECTION AND NOT IN MY PM BOX.

THERE ARE NUMEROUS LESSER KNOWN RIDDLES / REFERENCES WOVEN IN WHICH MAY BE SO VAGUE SO AS NOT TO BE WORTH A FULL PRIZE BUT IF IDENTIFIED ARE STILL WORTH COIN. ALSO, DON'T FORCE YOURSELF INTO LOOKING FOR SOME KIND OF PUZZLE OR HIDDEN PATTERN, IF YOU THINK YOU SEE SOMETHING JUST TYPE IT OUT. BUT NOT IN MY PM BOX GOD DAMN IT. Leaving multiple guesses for the same riddle is a shame that deserves to be publicly punished. I have no authority to do this but I'm thinking the mods should give people humiliating flare for multiple guess attempts. I'm pretty sure many members of the group (our community remember? Publicly humiliating flare is a huge team-builder) would support that.

For that matter, the same penalty should apply for particularly bad or wrong answers.

EPISODE 1: RIDDLE 1 - Hidden in the wall of text above are two things that are unfortunately directly connected. Fill in the corresponding date in the comments section to redeem your prize. The following format must be followed strictly (DD/MM/YYYY).

EPISODE 1: RIDDLE 1 - DESCRIBE "THE "SWISS CHEESE MODEL" ELOQUENTLY WITHOUT USING ANY PUNCTUATION (YOU ARE ALSO LIMITED TO 2 WORDS LARGER THAN 6 LETTERS, AND ONLY 7 WORDS THAT ARE 5 LETTERS OR LONGER) COUNTS AS WINNING A RIDDLE. I'LL LEAVE THE DECISION OF THE WINNER UP TO THE SCRUM WHICH WILL INEVITABLY FOLLOW IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. IF THE COINTHIRSTY MASSES FAILURE TO ACHIEVE SATISFACTORY CONSENSUS, I WILL BE FORCED TO DENIGRATE MYSELF TO THE ROLL OF ARBITRATOR WHILL INVOLVE POSTING IT TO /R/ELI5 AND HAVE THEM DECIDE)


Comments


[2 Points] ciphersexual:

The swiss cheese model says that if I line up all of the paragraphs in your post I risk not being able to find a path from start to end.


[1 Points] None:

[deleted]


[1 Points] darktriaddd:

Must be some fire if it made you write that wall of gibberish up. Good review. 11/10 would read again


[1 Points] I_Am_Balthazar:

26/04/1986