Well guys, I've just learned first hand the very real consequences when a dork like me strays from the relative safety of the darknet.
My story begins in the land of kief and honey high as fuck in the mountains of Colorado. The week had just been fantastic, and I figured that it would easy enough to get a few chocolate bars through the small airport I was taking to my connecting flight. I'd been through this place before and remembered as a really laid back operation that just wanted to make sure no bombs got on the thing. No way in fuck is a tiny airport in the mountains going to investigate whether those are REALLY Hershey bars, right?
I was calm as I checked in at the little kiosk right before the security gate, due in no small part to the 200mg worth of edibles that had just begun to kick in. I smiled at the gate agent and made quick small talk about not wanting to go home before reaching in my pocket to grab my license.
It wasn't there. Suddenly I began to panic. It must have shown in my face because the guy helpfully chimed in, "Don't worry, I bet we can still get you through if you have anything else with your picture on it. We will have to do some extra screening and a thorough search if that's okay. Just step over here."
"Uh, sure."
He pawed through my bag, patting down the pockets of my clothes until he found the six 100mg chocolate bars I had left.
I did my best to keep calm as he stared intently at my face, clearly aware of what he was holding and reading my ever reddening eyes for a hint of my reaction.
"Alright, look. You know you can't take these on a plane. I'm not going to make a big deal about this so how about you just eat them now or something and then you're clear to go."
Looking back I realize that I didn't have to eat them all, but he said it with such authority that I feared what might happen if I didn't. As I chewed down on the last bite, his intense scowl began to break into a more quizzical expression.
"Was that all of them?"
I choked down the last bit, clearly feeling the effects of chocolate and sugar overconsumption if not yet showing signs of the 800mg of THC I'd downed since arriving at the airport.
"Yes-- yes, sir," I stammered.
At this point he was in a full grin, and as he began to speak he broke into laughter.
"Damn! Alright dude, have a great flight!"
As his laughter and sideways glances continued, I realized that this was all planned from the outset.
I am way uncomfortably high and it is all part of the TSA's master plan. I mean, I just followed a strange woman though an entire concourse of a major airport because I was lost and I thought she was my wife. I'm traveling alone. I made it to my connecting gate, and despite a 5 hour layover I'm terrified of what might happen if I leave this spot, so I dare not move and instead sit here and type (very very slowly) at this stupid story.
Leave the drug transportation to the professionals, kids. Learn from my mistake. Don't get fucked by the TSA.
Just found out they sell burritos like 10 feet from where I've been sitting for the past couple hours.
I think everything is going to be okay.