Alphabay Newsletter volume 2

Our quarterly profits have exceeded expectations. The Russian mafia I mean the regular mafia are coming by our offices tomorrow to congradulate us. As is tradition, since we did not fail them they are awarding us fresh knee caps instead of breaking ours. Do not freak out or cry when the blood gets on your suit and do not question where they acquired knee caps so fresh please just accept them and do not make a scene.

Desnake's surprise birthday party was a success! Nobody has been fired and we saved a slice of cake for vaas and onionhood and will have them knife fight over it next sunday so do not eat it. Disc0 is taking bets and raspi will referee.

Bigmuscles lifted the vodka cooler again and now its broken because he dropped it on his private key and it got everywhere.

Due to cancelled dance team practice this week we will be doubling down on our routines. We are alphabay and we serve others, we do not get served. The raspi trappy scrimage will be filmed and encrypted live, with a fee of 2 bitcoins per viewing. Please contact trappy directly about purchase and please ignore raspi when he says that half of the viewing fees are his because that is a lie and he is a liar.

Phishing attacks on our forums are increasing at a rate far greater than anticipated. The band phish has been contacted for assistance.

Alphabay prime now in beta testing phase. Users will be contacted by trappy and given a bitcoin address to pay out to. Again no features are yet available or even pending.

Due to increased profits relating to our currency speculation department, we will be posting armed guards at the enterences and exits of our HQ, following the massive theft of 2 lighters and a glass bowl from the employee locker room. We no longer need to save small money by posting parapalagic guards with cardboard AK47 cutouts at our enterances and exits.

The results and awards from crazy tie tuesday will be shown and awarded next week. Attendence of the entirety of the awards ceremony is mandatory and another committee will be formed to manage decorations for the following week's crazy tie tuesday award ceremony. Coin bar, free bromo-dragonfly available with flyer, and you may bring plus two.

Scamwatch rations will be increased to 3 bowls of watery gruel per day. No further compensation increase will be discussed until further notice. Thank you.

Due to the delay in the newsletter distribution our editor and writers will be transferred to gulag division 11 to write for their newsletter.

Wait no we can expla


Comments


[5 Points] None:

[deleted]


[2 Points] None:

Alphabay HQ sounds like a fun place to work.


[2 Points] None:

Alpha bay prime includes 2 day shipping right?


[1 Points] sapiophile:

Okay this legitimately cracked me up here and there.


[1 Points] alphabayyylmao:

Phish can only help so much... In fact I believe their once soPHISHticated methods are now floundering under the pressures of internet overphishing. Maybe we should phish for hackrel instead of small fry tadpoles.

Also fuck dream fuck dream fuck dream. Phishy fuckers. Abay all day.


[-2 Points] None:

[deleted]