Silk Road forums
Discussion => Off topic => Topic started by: Ay Dr Bud Lover on April 27, 2012, 10:19 am
-
The best joke will Win 1g of hash ... I Promise !!
Feeling a bit dwn in the dumps today
If my delivery for changa turns up
That will change a
So wat u got for me .. Whos inposswsion of
Some verbal uplifters?
-
Please move to off topic ... Wrong section
-
I have one for you - pretty topical also
BACKGROUND: This is London, in a recession, the Public Sector is finally getting hit with the cuts the private sector has been enduring for three years and so it is having an effect on the Civil Service entrance tests
CUT TO SCENE: Whitehall, a tall, smart-looking late 20s chap knocks on the door and walks into the office, a slight limp and rather short haircut the only things out of place with his grey suit fitting in with the rest of them... the Senior Civil Servant looks up -
"Ah, Braithwaite, come in..."
"Morning Sir"
"No need to sir, me, young man - you're not in the army now! I see you have been let go?"
"Spot of bother in Afghan - got too close to an IED after an all-night defuse job"
"Not to worry - all in one piece, by the look of it"
The ex Para hesitates, starts to reply and doesn't...
The Civil Servant continues...
"Well look, I'm not going to waste time with an interview - you look alright, have a decent education and the Army has surely taught you some discipline, we can use you for sure. Any thing you want to tell me before we sign the contract?"
"Well, Sir - I mean Mister Foulkes-Warner - I do have a couple of disabilities you should know about..."
"Disabilities?? Excellent!! That should help me hit my targets AND get you in on a higher grade. Tell me..."
"Well, I am allergic to caffeine - too many all-night bomb disposal jobs and drinking red bulls have shot me to shreds"
"Not a problem"
"Also, I - ahemmmm - have no - ahemmmm - goulies left.."
"What?"
"I had to have my scrotum chopped off when an IED peppered it with nails"
"Oh DEAR - I am sorry, old chap! - Not painful now, I trust?"
"Bit of a limp still, but I'll survive and it does have some advantages - won't be chased by any wannabe mothers!"
The Civil Servant looks faintly amused and embarrassed, realises he needs to change his original decision about placing Braithwaite in the Foreign Office...
"I think I have the perfect place for you, Braithwaite - you can join the Education Department, liaising closely with the senior Head-Teachers."
"Really, sir?"
"Yes, I think it's perfect for you - accelerated pension-scale and private health care"
"What hours do they work, Sir"
"Oh, fairly standard - ten til four - nothing too strenuous, BUT you won't need to go in until noon"
"Noon, Sir? I thought you said they started at Ten"
"They do - but you won't"
"Really?"
"Yes - ALL THEY DO IS SIT AROUND DRINKING COFFEE AND SCRATCHING THEIR BALLS FOR THE FIRST TWO HOURS, ANYWAY...!"
8) 8)
-
Here's a simple one, but I find it always gives people a smirk.
" What was Helen Keller's dog's name?"
" AUGHHHGUHWWWUHGHGHA"
-
Did you hear about the German girl who was being raped by 13 pollacks?
She started yelling NINE! NINE! NINE!
So 4 Pollacks left.
-
A guy walks into a bar. OUCH!
-
three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. baby tomato starts lagging behind. poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, catch up!
-
Why did Hitler really kill himself?
If you saw a gas bill like that, you'd kill yourself too..
-
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
-
A sex psychologist is conducting phone polling about married couples sex lives. She calls up one house and starts to ask the woman about her sex life. One of the questions is "How often do you have intimate relations?". The woman replies that she has sex 4-5 times a week. The psychologist asks several more questions and then asks to talk to the woman's husband. While interviewing the husband she asks him the same question about how often he has sex. He replies that he has sex once a week. The psychologist is puzzled and inquires, "You're wife said she has she 4-5 times a week, but you said you only have sex once a week, is this correct?". The man gruffly responds, "Yeah, and that's the way its gonna be til we dun gone payed off the second mortgage."
-
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
...You can unscrew the lightbulb. ;)
-
Wrong section.
How's that one? :)
EDIT: Nvm it got moved. Joke failed.
-
A little boy hears his parents fighting, he hears the words 'stupid cunt' and 'bitch'. The next day he asks his dad what they mean, and he, being caught off guard, says "Well son, a stupid cunt is a beautiful woman, and a bitch is a nice looking gentleman. The kid says 'okay' and his dad thinks he's forgotten about it.
The next day, he hears his dad say "Shit!" because he cut himself shaving. The little boy asks him what the word means, and his dad, once again being caught off, says "it means shaving cream son, now go play."
After a week, his parents are having a very important dinner with one of his dads business clients and his wife. As the little boy gets dressed, he sees his dad shaving. He goes downstairs, and his mom cuts herself as shes carving the turkey. She says "Fuck, that hurt.". The little boy says, "what?" his mom says "Oh, nothing son, it means 'cut', thats all."
The doorbell rings, the client and his wife arrived earlier than expected, so his mom tells the boy to answer the door, he opens the door, and says "Hello sir, you certainly do look like quite the bitch, and your wife, oh, what a stupid cunt she is. If you'll follow me, my dads upstairs cleaning the shit off of his face and my moms in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
8)
-
so this horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. the bartender looks at the horse and say "hey, why the long face?" so the horse says "I have cancer."
-
What's worse than waking up and finding a dead baby on your pillow?
Realizing that you were drunk and made love to it the night before.
-
9/11 Americans won't get this joke.
-
I am sorry for this If There are any WOMAN on here
Men Do You Know What A Cunt Is
anwser-
A Cunt is a fur bearing animal that can swollow large pieces of meat in a single GULP without choking
Sorry again Lady's
-
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
-
that joke only works if you have a new england accent.
-
"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church.
A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
-
"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church.
A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Oh man.
I spat milk everywhere.
Fucker.
-
Well what can I say you all have made my weekend - much appreciation for you all ... And im sure some time ill be looking back On this thread when I need another pick.me up while waiting on.the devine chemicals from the road
Feeling a lot better today after 3 weeks I finally got.my order for.DMT CHANGA. Well atleast I think.i did
Without.revealing too much about this sellers packaging.. Ill.tell you a little story
I woke up this morning to see an odd looking stamped letter... When I open it to.find out what order it is
I am amazed at the brilliance of the packaging, it was that good I thought i.didnt order this
How ever, as you do I opened this.amazing bit of packaging to reveal a herb. Its gotta be the changa!
So I pack.a.bong full with a little green for.flavour .... Bubbling the bong till.the shit turned 'yellow'
Stomache suddenly empties .. Rush of cold through.my whole.body sort of tingling feeling in.my head
I think the room very slighty got darker with a reddy colour as I close my eyes I start to see a pattern of.patterns a.few colours ... The feeling of floating,.projecting outta space
The first sicky feeling.. And coldness shoot thru my body scared the hell.out of.me.
My second hit was a lot lighter, still got.a feeling of.emptyness and cold rushes
Anyone else.smoked.DMT / changa ? Whats it.like.for.your.first time scary, mind opening, or just a short trip?
-
I'm waiting on my changa too :)
Here's a joke:
A kid asks his dad: "What's politics?"
The dad thinks how to explain such a complex thing to his son, and says: "Son, I'll explain it with an example. I work and I bring money home, so I'm the capitalist, mum manages the money, so she's the government, the housekeeper is the working class. You are growing up and you have some voice in, so you're the people. Your sister, who is just born, is the future."
The kid goes to sleep, but in the middle of the night his sister starts crying, so he looks for someone around the house. He doesn't find his dad, his mum dismisses him because she wants to sleep and he finds the housekeeper in bed with his dad.
He goes back to his sister and says to her: "I've understood what politics is: the capitalists fuck the working class, the government sleeps, nobody listens to the people and the future is in deep shit!"
-
Well what can I say you all have made my weekend - much appreciation for you all ... And im sure some time ill be looking back On this thread when I need another pick.me up while waiting on.the devine chemicals from the road
Feeling a lot better today after 3 weeks I finally got.my order for.DMT CHANGA. Well atleast I think.i did
Without.revealing too much about this sellers packaging.. Ill.tell you a little story
I woke up this morning to see an odd looking stamped letter... When I open it to.find out what order it is
I am amazed at the brilliance of the packaging, it was that good I thought i.didnt order this
How ever, as you do I opened this.amazing bit of packaging to reveal a herb. Its gotta be the changa!
So I pack.a.bong full with a little green for.flavour .... Bubbling the bong till.the shit turned 'yellow'
Stomache suddenly empties .. Rush of cold through.my whole.body sort of tingling feeling in.my head
I think the room very slighty got darker with a reddy colour as I close my eyes I start to see a pattern of.patterns a.few colours ... The feeling of floating,.projecting outta space
The first sicky feeling.. And coldness shoot thru my body scared the hell.out of.me.
My second hit was a lot lighter, still got.a feeling of.emptyness and cold rushes
Anyone else.smoked.DMT / changa ? Whats it.like.for.your.first time scary, mind opening, or just a short trip?
We all made your weekend... so we all get hash? ;D ;D ;D
-
I saw a Jehovah's Witness coming up the drive and called out to my daughter, "Quick, pretend I'm not in!"
So she started masturbating with the hair brush.
;D
-
A man walks into a library..
goes up to the front counter and says to the librarian:
" I hear you have a new book on small cocks."
To which the librarian replies:
"Yes, but I'm afraid it isn't in yet."
Ba dum tisss =D
-
Its sooo hard to choose a winner
Ill decide at the end of this weekend who
Gets the hash im down to my last block
So a gram is the max I can send plus im not
A vendor so ill be going out of my way to send this
I might have to restrict it to UK only due to worldwide
Shipping cost .. I am sorry I know ya all funny & I
Appreciate every one of ya ... I look into it but for now
Thanks Guys & Girls
Dr bud lover
=)
-
My Thai wife has been eating a lot of pineapples recently.
Well I'm assuming she has, because her semen tastes great.
-
My Thai wife has been eating a lot of pineapples recently.
Well I'm assuming she has, because her semen tastes great.
Good one.
Also, I posted jokes and now I'm out of the running just because I don't live in the UK,
-
There's this man who drinks beer at a local bar every night. One night, he came in and had nothing to drink. The bartender was curious and asked him why he wasn't drinking anything.
The man replied, "I don't drink anymore... Last night, I blew chunks."
"Oh that's nothing", the bartender replies. "Everyone gets a little sick after drinking at times!"
"No, No", the man replies. "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog!
-
Q: what did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.
Q: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and brass balls?
A: Sparky.
Q: Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
A: Because he was hit by a truck.
And finally an Anthony Jeselnick joke: I used to want to be a veterinarian when I was younger. But then I found out that being a vet was a lot more work than just putting down cats all day. That's when I decided to be a pediatrician.
-
I was overjoyed when a letter from my Psychiatrist told me I no longer needed treatment.
"Thanks!" I said.
"No problem", it replied.