Silk Road forums

Discussion => Off topic => Topic started by: tedrux on July 05, 2013, 12:22 pm

Title: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: tedrux on July 05, 2013, 12:22 pm
I am a troll. an attention seeker. I am not genuine in anything I say . I am a creepy stalker fuckwit who has relentlessly harassed some one who meant only to be helpful and tried very hard to do so. I invaded their lives and the lives of those they cared about. I am a child molester and I will burn in hell. I deserve nothing but to be shit on and then ignored.
-teddy
ps. its true. sometimes people tell me I look like im being the martyr or like ive been abused. sometimes that would be true of people who shit on themselves. sometimes its just true that they do so in order to throw you off. in this case its neither- I'm just a worthless peice of shit and the world has the right to know.
in short- I know better. I just don't care. never let me tell you otherwise, never swallow my bullshit.
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: hemolyzer on July 05, 2013, 07:02 pm
ok
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: mary666 on July 05, 2013, 08:42 pm
There are no fuckin words  :o :o :o as we say "DO ONE"!! >:(
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: RS7FI8ZRkm on July 05, 2013, 08:43 pm
can we have are coins back ??? :P
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: mary666 on July 05, 2013, 08:46 pm
Yeah pay back the coin you owe people or are you a thief too  :-\ >:(
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: taz7 on July 05, 2013, 09:10 pm
And tell us something we don't know , only reason we tolerated your shit was because no one wants to take chances when it come to suicide .
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: Internal Freedom on July 06, 2013, 12:10 am
If you're actually being honest and you actually are a child molester, then I support you in your desire to commit suicide. In fact, I suggest you go jump in front of traffic or take a kitchen knife to your throat right now. Not seeing another post from you on this forum would be fantastic.

The world doesn't need any more of you sick, child molesting cunts. You pricks are the scum of the earth and deserve to be treated as such.
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: tedrux on July 07, 2013, 05:04 am
I can't pay back what I don't have. You provided me coins so I could trip and ...idk what you expected exactly....maybe you thought I'd realize life was beautiful? Maybe you thought I'd get all soul searchy and become more self realized? Maybe you just wanted a way to show me kindness. You aren't being kind now. When it comes right down to it people don't like me and when they get to know me and I tell them my dark secrets they leave. When I was 16 I touched my sister who was 10 in a way I never should have. I have no defense or anything deeper to say about it, just that it happened. I've since went through a lot more in my life that has showed me that there is something deeply wrong with me and I feel like I'm drowning in it , thrashing around helplessly in spite of myself. No part of me thinks that I am any more right to have done the bad things in my life then you think I was. I cannot answer with absolute certainty if I feel about me as you do. I don't know how to qualify if my suicidal thoughts deserve creedence or not. I know I dont just jump on internet forums and make them up . I know that they are really there all the time every day and that I've had several different plans which I am scared to try. I know I drank bleach and swallowed an uncertain ammount of perscription pills. I know that I lied to a psychiatrist about trying to kill myself and then realized the delusion months later while sitting in jail. I know that I genuinely felt for 'her' and it really did hurt to be told to fuck off , so much so that I cried. I don't really wanna be me and I cant explain why I do it anyways. i can't justify myself. I don't think my brain mirrors emotions in people close to me in a normal way IE I think my empathy function is either broken or severely impaired. maybe I can't be fixed. from public oppinion though it seems I don't have a right to even try. seems that there is no redemption for my being and that it is so because of my actions. it seems that my function changing doesn't excuse the actions of my old self (when I would have got to a point where I was not who I am anymore). it seems youd rather smile at my head on a pike then truly see me and love me for who I became. I can give it to you. I don't know for sure if I could ever be worthy of arguing that I am now as the good man who never had made those mistakes. I know for sure I can die and you can rally around me all torches and pitchforks screaming 'kill it with fire' in your dark revelry. it isn't what jesus would do - but I suppose that none of us are he. I really tried to try to be close with 'her' and be good but I failed. I told myself that would be the last time I tried and either I'd succeed in gaining her love or Id off myself. its been years since then and I still sit and shit and eat and breath for no reason at all. waiting for nothing. I could go right now. or I could wait untill I get these mushrooms. something tells me you no longer care one way or the other though. your probably pretty mad that when I said I was bad and you said shhh your not bad that it turned out that my self assessment of being bad wasn't a delusion of a tortured soul (in the way you thought initially at least) who was convinced through constant torment of external forces . I guess that would make some one feel violated. I guess I should just stop talking.

as far as your coins are concerned, granted I come into money before my death I will pay you back however I had stated in black and white that I could not guarantee payment at any specific time and also I asked for donations/loans and no one who donated me coins asked for repayment at that time. One person did, I think. They made a joke out of it. so if you give money without stating a claim to be repayed at the time of the exchanging of hands then it was not a loan. but since you had been kind I will repay when and if I can. but stop harassing me about it mary because I told you already I'm not going to forget. and I have already taken a step towards being responsible for it. 
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: BlackIris on July 07, 2013, 08:54 am
Yet again auto-commiseration, and a lot of it.

Listen, I told you now at last 3 times what you could do to become stronger, you never either cared to try. You just like this behavior of the victim and play that part. If you like to be a slave, be a slave, why should others care?

I have no sympathy nor compassion for people that are weak and want to be so. If you are weak and try to overcome your weakness I'm all in to help, because you are fighting, but if you just want to talk about your weakness as if it was a virtue and have people pat on your shoulders I'm sorry but you will only receive punches from me.

"The slaves shall serve"
"These are dead, these fellows; they feel not. We are not for the poor and sad: the lords of the earth are our kinsfolk."
"Is a God to live in a dog? No! but the highest are of us. They shall rejoice, our chosen: who sorroweth is not of us.
"Beauty and strength, leaping laughter and delicious languor, force and fire, are of us."
"We have nothing with the outcast and the unfit: let them die in their misery. For they feel not. Compassion is the vice of kings: stamp down the wretched & the weak: this is the law of the strong: this is our law and the joy of the world. "
"If Will stops and cries Why, invoking Because, then Will stops & does nought.
"If Power asks why, then is Power weakness."
- Liber Al vel Legis.
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: zxydwx3 on July 07, 2013, 09:24 am
I feel bad that so many decent people gave you coins. There's no possible fucking way that there was anything other than kindness and concern behind their actions, and you don't even realize or acknowledge it. Anonymous druggie people treated you very well, so have the decency to try and make positive changes. There's NOTHING so bad that you can't attempt to redeem yourself.
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: tedrux on July 07, 2013, 09:25 am
where is it you've told me what to do to be stronger? I do not recall. and I don't expect to be patted on the back for being weak. I don't call weakness a virtue. I don't support punching people for not being strong either. and god can be a dog because thats the nature of god, a shell that god lives in means nothing just like true streangth is internal. i keep talking to no avail because i just don't know what to do. if I were able to get a job thingsg would be different but i just cant get hired and I don't know why . I don't have any skills or anything good to say about myself. and it is that way not because thats how I like to present it, but because it is real. it IS that way. there isn't anything good about me. I don't claim to be the victem either. who did I say victemized me? no one. just me. its all my responsibility. but I just cant handle it.
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: tedrux on July 07, 2013, 09:28 am
they will never know my appreciation. words don't do it justice. for a small moment I felt as if I were accepted. chemcat is a genuine dear.  you all have been , except a few, very kind to me and I suppose 'thank you' doesn't really do justice to how I wish I could express my feelings but its all I got. thank you.
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: mary666 on July 07, 2013, 10:22 am
I feel bad that so many decent people gave you coins. There's no possible fucking way that there was anything other than kindness and concern behind their actions, and you don't even realize or acknowledge it. Anonymous druggie people treated you very well, so have the decency to try and make positive changes. There's NOTHING so bad that you can't attempt to redeem yourself.
+1 to you  ;)
Firstly Tedrux, i never gave you any coin when you asked and wondered why others did. You then said your pin was locked and wanted someone else to order for you which did not happen, you also said you were going to be in jail the next week which also did not happen cause you,ve been on here constantly! So what happened to the coin you BORROWED, it was not given to you on the thread but you know it was loans  >:( Why did you not order your suicide drug, why are you still here, you could have killed yourself by now. Your full of shit, good people gave you coin and pm,d you feeling sorry for you, the reason i never did is because i knew you were a weirdo and tbh couldn,t give a shit if you kill yourself or not after reading how you abused your sister and you say your a child molester. I don,t know what you are but you aint any kind of "normal"  ;) I will say nothing more and waste no more time on you and i will hope that no one reply,s to any future threads you make and hope you get completely ignored by everyone on here, but thats just me  ;)
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: BlackIris on July 07, 2013, 11:48 am
where is it you've told me what to do to be stronger? I do not recall.

I told you how to look for who you really are, instead of pretending you know it already.

I don't have any skills or anything good to say about myself. and it is that way not because thats how I like to present it, but because it is real. it IS that way.

As Buddha said, "you are what you think you are". You continue telling yourself you are a nullity and it's not a surprise you are a nullity. You weren't a nullity when you were born, it's just that you forgot it and you have by and by adopted for yourself this mask.

I don't claim to be the victem either. who did I say victemized me? no one. just me. its all my responsibility. but I just cant handle it.

You don't need to say it, that's just how you act. You act like a victim, and like all victims you like to commiserate yourself and your condition, instead of understanding it's just an illusion made by yourself.
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: tedrux on July 07, 2013, 11:50 am
I dont get it. I speak and you hear and you castrate me for what I say. I speak then you pretend like I said nothing . why the selective hearing? I already told you I did with the coins what I was told to do with them. I bought mushrooms . why I didn't buy cyanide is as simple as I could not afford it. that didnt stop me from asking for a deal with a vendor and trying to buy it. that is verifiable. you don't have to take it on faith, I can prove it. now, your acting like I have no intention of paying any one back- thats bullshit as I said plainly that I would when I could and I'm working on it.
as far as what happened with my sister. I don't have any defence.I don't justify it or try to claim that its less wrong then you feel it is. I dont say it like Im proud of myself or like I'm apathetic about my actions. but it happend. and I cant undo the past.  I don't know why I am still alive. I guess its just to take that last trip and see if I can't become different some how. thats what was suggested to me. as far as jail, I expect to go to jail for a violation probation as I think I pushed my luck smoking ganja a little too much. I dont know with absolute certainty that that is what will happen but given that it had a chance of happening and if it did happen id be gone for a good three months I figured Id have to assume it would be true instead of risking having a package sitting around for that time and possibly going bad. it only made sense.  I had my date for the probation meeting wrong, thats true. I know it now because I found the appointment card. my mind is a very confused disorganized place.  I currently have like .0178 coins . who ever wants that can have it back. I'll tell you though mary, while I appreciate the idea of you standing up for your friends , you shouldn't be attacking me about something that I didn't do. you shouldn't be acting like I stole a bunch of coins and have no intent on paying them back when I already said I would when I could. I get the feeling you'll keep doing so though. I get the feeling that even if I do this


I WILL PAY BACK WHEN I AM ABLE, AS I SAID BEFORE ANY ONE GAVE ME ANYTHING, AS I DON"T HAVE INCOME OF ANY KIND


and seperate it out of the block of text I tend to compose that you'll behave like the words are completely invisible.  I wish people didn't make assumptions. in regaurds to any remorse over my actions- I tried to appologize years later. I say tried because I had to be wasted for it, the words Im sorry came out but I couldn't look at her or say what I was sorry for. so let that say to you whatever it does. i guess the only question is is suicide or continuing life as the monster my only two options? cause if thats it then my decisions clear about whats the right thing to do. but its still scary ,mary. its just not easy to commit to. thats why i need a way that I cant undo or back out of. something fast.

I am not innocent. but neither are you. you want to cast me down into hell while you ride your moral high horse? well whats the most fucked up thing you've ever done? and can you share it openly and honestly ? or will you lie about it and pretend nothing ever happened?
i hope you can honestly say nothing , that your just genuinely a good person. but I know I'm not the only person whos done wrong. idk.....what to do......seems like theres nothing to be done.
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: Kalli on July 07, 2013, 01:22 pm
If you're actually being honest and you actually are a child molester, then I support you in your desire to commit suicide. In fact, I suggest you go jump in front of traffic or take a kitchen knife to your throat right now. Not seeing another post from you on this forum would be fantastic.

The world doesn't need any more of you sick, child molesting cunts. You pricks are the scum of the earth and deserve to be treated as such.

What he said but will assist any suicide attempts if you need a hand.
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: tedrux on July 07, 2013, 02:29 pm
@kali - are you sincere?
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: tedrux on July 07, 2013, 03:02 pm
if you really want to help then you could help me get everything I need for a darvon cocktail. I know theres a cyanide supply here but some one told me you cant orally ingest it or you'll just vomit and then have wasted the money. but idk, if that was a lie im all good for taking cyanide too but i think the darvon cocktail is a more peaceful out. they say that n2o is actually an enjoyable death. so there are options and Im not incredibly partial to any particular I just want it to be something I wont have to have any determination to do or  I know I'd back out of it. I know its right for me to go I just know I don't want to. overcoming my own well being to do the right thing when the whole point of it is my lacking moral fiber in the first place will be a challenge. :/
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: Andrewbud420 on July 07, 2013, 03:15 pm
dafuq is this shit?
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: mary666 on July 07, 2013, 06:37 pm
If you're actually being honest and you actually are a child molester, then I support you in your desire to commit suicide. In fact, I suggest you go jump in front of traffic or take a kitchen knife to your throat right now. Not seeing another post from you on this forum would be fantastic.

The world doesn't need any more of you sick, child molesting cunts. You pricks are the scum of the earth and deserve to be treated as such.

What he said but will assist any suicide attempts if you need a hand.
Kalli, this thing borrowed coin and could have ordered plenty to kill himself, full of shit he is!!  ;)
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: Kalli on July 07, 2013, 08:27 pm
If you're actually being honest and you actually are a child molester, then I support you in your desire to commit suicide. In fact, I suggest you go jump in front of traffic or take a kitchen knife to your throat right now. Not seeing another post from you on this forum would be fantastic.

The world doesn't need any more of you sick, child molesting cunts. You pricks are the scum of the earth and deserve to be treated as such.

What he said but will assist any suicide attempts if you need a hand.
Kalli, this thing borrowed coin and could have ordered plenty to kill himself, full of shit he is!!  ;)

That's unfortunate, would have done society a favor. This peado (and all others) would be worth the outlay for some cyanide cos its all they are fuckin worth scummy bastards they are. Pay the good people their money n stop wasting our time with your lame ass suicide posts, take a leaf out of nikes book and "just do it"
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: Andrewbud420 on July 08, 2013, 01:27 am
I think he's just a sad little dude that wants attention. Made up some shit for free tokes. While he continues to make up shit for attention.
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: Internal Freedom on July 08, 2013, 04:46 am
I think he's just a sad little dude that wants attention. Made up some shit for free tokes. While he continues to make up shit for attention.

Amen to that.
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: tedrux on July 08, 2013, 07:27 am
not troll, kalli. I mean it. so will you help me or not? I mean it. I dont feel lexss then you do about it. thasts why I havew  to go. admin you pledge to me. I m serpid/ buy me a wat and I swear I will die.
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: tedrux on July 09, 2013, 01:03 am
I'm not a pedophile. I don't think that something some one's done and regrets from their past should mark them their entire life. you can't equate me to being the same as some of those monsters in prison.  I don't make up anything. I've sat here and opened up about the truth to strangers because I have no one to connect with. its pretty simple really. as far as calling me a thing, I am a man. not a thing. and this MAN did not make up a story to steal coins. I used them for what I was told to use them for. as for trying to purchase something to OD on , what!? what would you have recommended? I looked at cyanide and did not have enough. I had apprx .34 so yeah, thats not enough to od on anything. I know because I looked.  MARY, QUITE ACTING LIKE  A RETARD.
Title: Re: Tedrux is a troll
Post by: RS7FI8ZRkm on July 09, 2013, 01:34 am
nothing wrong with craving a little attention and seeking, desiring affection.
IMO, we all need help sometimes, whether any of us want to admit it ;). I see this as a call for help. even if you've been less then straight forward, or w/e. only thing I can do is accept it, dose me no good to get angry about it, I can't change you. or anyone for that matter, I only have the ability to change my own life. same goes for you brother, if you are truly unhappy an want change, you need to put fourth to make it happen.. we can't do it for you.