Silk Road forums

Discussion => Newbie discussion => Topic started by: DreaMTrips on September 28, 2013, 10:18 pm

Title: Can I get some feedback on this draft english project?
Post by: DreaMTrips on September 28, 2013, 10:18 pm
i've had to write a draft creative writing piece to give myself an idea of what I'm going to write in the exam.
The picture I was given was from saving private Ryan, with dead bodies across a bleak battlefield.
It's just a draft but it gives me an idea of what I am going to write in my exam.
Keep in mind that this was written at about 1am in the morning, and I was a little stoned, but what could I do to improve it? (Got bored at the end, and wasn't sure how to end it).

The formatting is weird and paragraphs look strange because the box is wider than Word's, and it's going to be a little longer but here it is;

Believe me; I didn’t envision causing such pain to these people. Such despair is ascribed to this daily toil in which I chose to endure, marketed as illustrious, the job involved doing things present around me, inflicting ineffable physical and mental torment upon my adversaries that were simply mirroring me, setting themselves up for the inevitable death that was to come.

A bewildering array of destruction was present, the outcome of a thousand men that perished away in this bleak place, blanketed with the camouflaged bodies that lay there. I stand here looking upon the people previously striving to kill me, their once deft ability and skill wiped from existence over the pull of a trigger, excruciating screams resonating inside my detached mind, recollecting the horrors that unfolded a mere matter of minutes before.

Passaging to my lungs, the blistering cold in the air punching my lungs; a gasping cough upon every breath exposed the gunpowder blanketing my vesicated skin and clothes now dishevelled from hours of travail.
Moving in front of me, there seems to be movement from the cadaver in front of me, a strange presence overcoming a man of which was clearly missing an arm, but there was something else; A man. A man that had arisen from the corpse inanimate in front of me, how could this be?

The apparition was a doppelganger to the departed individual once my friend.  Convulsed In front of me, shards of steel casing erupted from the grenade eradicated several men, including him from existence. It didn't utter a word, it didn't need to; his cold-blooded eyes spoke a thousand words and portrayed a story of which he had been a part of. Grief stricken was apparent in alopecia, decaying over months of missionary combat, departed at last. Underlying the corpse of a man putting out his life to such a struggle, until he came to his inevitable downfall laid one thing – hope. Hope existed in that I was alive; I was living, given a second chance to get out of the endless cycle before I become a mere shadow of what was.

The apparition was slowly withering away before my eyes as I focused my attention upon a picture displaying a small child, reading the words ‘For the memory of Jack’ pinned to his chest piece and his wife’s initials etched onto his badge indicating his rank. His brown, tousled hair synergised perfectly with his dark complexion of which was covered in dirt, he had a long face with an uneven nose, broken from the shards of grenade that had punctured his skin.

   The silent eeriness almost reverberated around the surrounding empty field, in a way it was uncomfortable. Gun shots, explosions, a man’s final scream as he was slaughtered and the battle cries of the men charging into almost certain death leaving the footprints of a country was deafening, as I was unable to comprehend the sound here only hours earlier. This was contrasted to the emptiness in which I was experiencing now.

Coveted with remains of detached body parts and residue of men that had been pulled apart and tortured, the once beautiful ocean was now a sea of crimson red and burgundy gallons, heart beating haphazard at the sight of such I failed to properly envisage or grasp, my delicate enemy no longer.

Pumping round my body, the adrenaline that still prevailed hid the underlying depression and emotionless state in which I was in, unable to fathom the concept of death which was apparent in every inch of my vision.
At this point seagulls were beginning to appear, eloquently swooping and surveying the area were squawking above my head, displaying the characteristics of a vulture, a scavenger, looking through the mass of open wounds and bodies in which they can feast upon. T
The bitter taste of blood poisoned my tongue, and salt mixed with the apparent fog of gunpowder fragranced the chilled air, making it hard for me to breath as I poised myself to my blistered feet. Clothes damp and disarrayed surface anchored me as the wounds that I was inflicted with were torment as I walked; walked into the distance, an attempt to retreat from this torture – freedom.
Title: Re: Can I get some feedback on this draft english project?
Post by: gn0ssos on September 28, 2013, 10:25 pm
A word of advice: People in forums usually hate reading big blocks of text like that. If you expect anyone to read the entire thing, I would try to break it up a little and format it a little better. You'd probably get more responses that way.

I skimmed it a bit and it seems like you've got a great writing style, but once again you probably won't get many responses with a huge wall of text like that.
Title: Re: Can I get some feedback on this draft english project?
Post by: DreaMTrips on September 28, 2013, 10:32 pm
A word of advice: People in forums usually hate reading big blocks of text like that. If you expect anyone to read the entire thing, I would try to break it up a little and format it a little better. You'd probably get more responses that way.

I skimmed it a bit and it seems like you've got a great writing style, but once again you probably won't get many responses with a huge wall of text like that.
I just realized how horrible it looks in a quote box, I'll try change it a little.
Thanks :)
-DmT
Title: Re: Can I get some feedback on this draft english project?
Post by: DreaMTrips on September 29, 2013, 12:07 pm
Bump?
Title: Re: Can I get some feedback on this draft english project?
Post by: gn0ssos on September 29, 2013, 04:12 pm
Bump. I'm not very good with critique, but all I can say is I think it's very well-written and as mentioned I love your writing style. Kind of jealous, actually. :P I don't think I'd change a thing if it was me. Hopefully someone else will give you some more feedback. Good luck!