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Discussion => Off topic => Topic started by: keldog09 on January 13, 2012, 06:31 am

Title: I've Had It
Post by: keldog09 on January 13, 2012, 06:31 am
In my six or so months of being a regular user on SR, I've avoided talking about my situation IRL in great detail. Mostly because I don't think it's anybody's business but mine. Right now, however, I'm so stressed out, afraid, and depressed that I can't take it anymore. I need advice that I will respect and I take (some) people's advice very seriously here, and it's drug related, so I thought I'd get it off my chest.

For most of my life I've had a handful of problems-macular hypoplasia, a personality disorder (relabeled a ton of times so I don't even know what goes on up there anymore), IBS, PTSD, etc.-so there have been a lot of rough times for me. My family has been really supportive of me with one exception: my dad.

He's very funny and intelligent, but has been verbally and mentally abusive for all of my life. It's not an uncommon thing for him to go on repetitive and paranoid rants for hours on end or for him to violate everyone's personal space (mainly listening in on every conversation, searching through our things, and busting into my brother's or my own room in the middle of the night and "accusing" us of really random stuff). This all sucks, but I usually cope with it okay. For the past four months though, he's become increasingly more erratic, angry, and drunk. He's been an on and off cokehead for quite some time (or so I've been told) and I've thought that's what's caused the random episodes of paranoia, but now they seem to be twice as intense without any noticeable increase in his coke use. Drinking calms him, but he becomes so emotional and terrible to be around that I've started avoiding him altogether.

On Tuesday I came home from school to several cops at my house for a domestic disturbance. This has happened before, but I quickly realized that this time was different when the officers were hesitant to let me inside for "safety reasons." I find out that my brother called 911 after my dad threatened my Mom's life in disturbing detail and then proceeded to break several things in our home (some of them expensive).

In short, I don't know what to do or how I can help any more than I already have. I've had several talks with my Mom and have given her the information she needs in regards to the situation, but it falls on deaf ears. I want to pack my bags and just leave, but what if her or my brother get hurt? He isn't a legal adult yet and has no control over where he can live. How can I ignore voice mails of my own mother sobbing because she's scared and wants me to come home?

Would it make me a terrible person to cut off all communications with my dad and the situation in general? This is eating me from the inside out. I'm so depressed I don't even have the energy to medicate myself when I know I need to (currently a little sick from opiate withdrawals). I haven't slept since Tuesday. Logically it sounds so simple, but I just can't seem to make a move. I love my dad even if he does things I don't like and I want him to know that, but if I leave I know he'll think the total opposite. Plus I know he isn't doing this to purposely hurt us; he's probably not even very aware of his actions.

I want to fix this so badly but I just don't know how. :(
Title: Re: I've Had It
Post by: v01d on January 13, 2012, 06:55 am
I'd say you need to have a family discussion about it and try to reason with him and bring his attention to what his actions are causing.
If that doesn't work you may want to suggest therapy. It certainly can't hurt the situation and if he refuses look into possibly having him commited against his will.

He needs to realize what he's doing and change or the situation will just remain the same.
Title: Re: I've Had It
Post by: PriscillaMarie90 on January 13, 2012, 07:55 am
I am so, so sorry for you. Reading your story has literally just brought me to tears. I won't pretend to know what you're going through, but I know it has to be hard, I wish there was something more useful I could tell you.

I have to agree with v01d about the therapy though, if your mother won't listen to reason then you have to find a way to force her to do the right thing. Keeping you and your brother there with your dad for all these years was wrong of her in the first place, and with his violent tendencies becoming more serious something has to be done... You cannot take on this situation on your own, nomatter how much easier it would be, there's just no way. And it would be far safer for someone outside of your family to know the real truth about what is going on (e.g. a therapist) in case something serious were to happen.

I really don't know what more to say, but I'm so sorry you're facing this basically alone, and I really really hope you can find some help and you can finally get this tremendous weight off your shoulders.. :(
Title: Re: I've Had It
Post by: cache on January 13, 2012, 10:50 am
This is spooky Bigglesworth, the first paragraph of your post is my life entirely.
Alcoholic stepdad mentally abusing my mother for ten years until I was big enough to tell him to fuck off. I developed booze problems, decided to start selling coke, got a problem with that too. He then dies of cancer, everything calms down and all is well in the world.

OP, you need to get your mum and any siblings away from him. I know he is your dad and all but it is not a healthy environment for you lot to be in.
Title: Re: I've Had It
Post by: seirfmuy on January 14, 2012, 06:39 pm
hey keldog09, I have a feeling that you feel somewhat trapped. Like you have nowhere to go and also that you have to protect the people you love. A good analogy would not be, "Tornado" because tornadoes just pop out of trailer parks and obliterate shit.

A good analogy would be, "hurricane" because you see it form in the ocean. You see it as a tropical storm and over time it kicks up more wind and water, ever becoming more violent. You then realize that this hurricane is inevitable. You realize that it's going to come to your town and destroy everything you own and... you have no control of what is and will always be inevitable.

You have to understand that your father is this hurricane. Everyone knows that you cannot control forces of nature and also you cannot control the things people do. You can be the safest driver in the world  and still pay the price if a drunk smashes into you. You can be angry at drunk drivers but I'm curious as to why people don't hold grudges against birds? I mean you could be the Pope or just a pauper, birds will drop a load of shit on your head regardless - because they don't give a shit.

Hurricanes, drunk drivers, and birds that shit on your head are all controlled by the same forces. Add these into the equation:

1) you're going to have a bad, fucked up day
2) none of it was your fault.

This math problem happens to people all day errday. The only variable is you.

Remember that there is no one on this planet like you.

In truth, all the advice I can give you is to weather out the storm. Board up the windows of your mind. Hurricanes always exhaust themselves on land. Tell yourself that you're the motherfuckin MOUNTAIN. Be the mountain because you're not the air or water that can be flung around.

Once everything's over with, either you'll be out of the house or your dad. I don't see a positive outcome with you living with him. GTFO of the house. It'll be the best day of your life because then you can rebuild whatever relationship you have with your father - because in all honesty, I think that sonofabitch still loves you.

If your brother and mom join you in your exit - that's even a better deal. <------ this

Don't fight it, or try to fix it, or control it. Don't be the victim of a murder/suicide story on the news. Just let all the shit crash onto land. Be strong, be the earth while it's rolling all over you. Mountains can't be moved (Miley Cirus tried but failed) enough with the analogies, just GTFO of there.

I've tried rebuilding with my alco-father after I moved out. It's hard because I have to make the times I see him a positive experience. To make things positively reinforced, I had to keep the past out of conversations. I also reminded myself to smile. All the people that have passed in my life, I remember them by their smile. People never realize how important smiles are until one is given to someone who have none left to give.
Good luck.
 





Title: Re: I've Had It
Post by: PoisonedDestiny on January 14, 2012, 11:37 pm
i've been through all of this too..  just everything happened in a different order. 
in the end only getting off the blow and switching to weed and getting on anti-psychotics is what has kept my dad together.
but it got bad.  death threats, an attempt by him on my life, a near family annihilation attempt..
my mom ended up just taking control.  she has terrible anxiety disorders so her reign may be gentle but it is still compulsive and anxiety driven.
my younger sister got out and i had to come back home.  i can understand because it does take a major factor out of it, but my mom won't let me leave cause she needs me around to balance things i suppose. 
interesting to see everyone going through this same scenerio.  i hope seeing that others have overcome it can help.
can't really add anything that hasn't been said. 

*destiny*
Title: Re: I've Had It
Post by: keldog09 on January 17, 2012, 05:31 am
Thanks for the replies everyone. I appreciated and was moved by all of them. Glad to know there are people out there who have gone through the same or similar things.

The day after I made this thread, a fairly extreme incident (nobody got hurt or anything) occurred that triggered my PTSD so bad that I literally got up in the middle of the conversation, packed a bag, and went to my boyfriend's house out of horrifyingly intense agoraphobia. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise because, as many of you said, getting out made me feel much better. I'm not on very good terms with my parents, but I plan on seeing my Mom pretty often so I think things will be okay.

Giving up control is so hard for me so I've been practicing my DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) skills. It's amazing how helpful that stuff is. A few people mentioned therapy and I've actually been attending regular sessions for the past couple months. From about the ages of thirteen to seventeen I attended regular therapy sessions, but stopped for a few years because my life had gotten pretty crazy. I've tried to get my dad to attend sessions with or separate from me in the past but he's not very open to the idea. I got him to go to one once and it didn't go over so great. I just hope he gets help someday regardless of the method.

You guys are wonderful. *group hug*
Title: Re: I've Had It
Post by: v01d on January 17, 2012, 08:45 am
I'm glad to hear you are at least doing better and that you have a support team outside your family (your boyfriend) and of course we as a community are always glad to help those in need. Spreading good vibes is a wonderful thing. :)
Title: Re: I've Had It
Post by: dreamcore on January 17, 2012, 08:12 pm
People have already said my thoughts , but would just like to say best of luck!