Silk Road forums

Discussion => Off topic => Topic started by: SinningSaint on May 18, 2013, 04:17 am

Title: Loneliness
Post by: SinningSaint on May 18, 2013, 04:17 am
A lot of my self-destructive behavior comes from my loneliness.
I've dealt with an eating disorder and drug problems for years.
They're just tools to distract me from my thoughts. Because of that, I don't even get the full experience of drug use. I wish I could use them to enhance experiences, not depend on them to numb feelings.

I was just wondering how many other people began using drugs because of feeling lonely. Or if drug addiction has lead to it. And how do you deal with it? Does it ever go away or just keep getting worse?
Title: Re: Loneliness
Post by: Christy Nugs on May 18, 2013, 05:55 am
start by loving yourself 4 who u r - then finish by loving yourself enough to change the things that will make u a better person.  :)
Title: Re: Loneliness
Post by: zvp1014 on May 18, 2013, 06:15 am
A lot of my self-destructive behavior comes from my loneliness.
I've dealt with an eating disorder and drug problems for years.
They're just tools to distract me from my thoughts. Because of that, I don't even get the full experience of drug use. I wish I could use them to enhance experiences, not depend on them to numb feelings.

I was just wondering how many other people began using drugs because of feeling lonely. Or if drug addiction has lead to it. And how do you deal with it? Does it ever go away or just keep getting worse?

Most definitely I've tried drugs out of loneliness and lack of a purpose in life or worthwhile tasks to do. Ever tried real 3,4MDMA (Ecstasy)? If you have even a few online friends you'll feel a lot less lonely and far more connected to them, at least for a few hours. Presuming of course they aren't the kind of asshole who'll bitch at you for being non-sober- it'll be pretty obvious you're intoxicated. Ecstasy can also be helpful for getting you to socialize with people at a social event, and socialization is the key to defeating loneliness. This is, of course, presuming you can muster the courage to get to a social event then pop a molly capsule.

So how do you get that courage? Fast-acting benzodiazepines, of course! Xanax will knock the social anxiety right out of you and get your feet moving to meet people.

Then when you've realized it's utterly hopeless to find anybody, spend your weekends taking LSD. It'll keep you entertained for quite a while.

Move on to moderate stimulants to crash diet, rebound in weight, then move on to harder stimulants to crash diet some more.

Get hooked on Oxycontin to drown the pain of a stimulant addiction, and when the money runs out, move on to street heroin.

Finally, die, and be free of any feelings of loneliness or any feelings at all. If you're lucky, you'll be aged 27 and a famous musician. If you're unlikely, android hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance.

I have no legitimate advice to offer, sadly, as I'm in the same boat.
Title: Re: Loneliness
Post by: NewStem on May 18, 2013, 06:34 am
I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely, SinningSaint. I guess having comfort with your own thoughts doesn't come so easily to you. It can be very hard to learn to love yourself. For what it's worth, I recognize that you are good at being a person just by virtue of your self-awareness- it takes power to articulate your self-awareness as you did.
Title: Re: Loneliness
Post by: le botbahn on May 18, 2013, 07:39 am
Maybe OP already is a good person. Ever move to a new place? Separate from or lose someone you love?

Loneliness isn't an indicator of what kind of person someone is. It's often entirely circumstantial and transient.
And there's different ways to experience loneliness. I've been surrounded by people all day and girlfriend at home and still felt lonely and isolated as fuck.

OP- What kind of loneliness are you experiencing exactly? Do you see it as transient? Has it been a recurring theme in your life?

I can absolutely relate. Loneliness has been a lifelong thing that comes and goes for me. Seems I'm either at one extreme of the spectrum or the other for months or years at a time. I'm still trying to figure it out myself but I've lived on auto-pilot for longer than I care to admit, on and off over the years. Amphetamines started out enhancing experiences and I enjoyed them (I still do). After some earth shattering experiences later on they became habitual (psychological addiction) and primarily a warm filler for the void within. I'd like to think those days are behind me, however, loneliness remains. I feel that drugs were a curtain than covered up emotion that was never properly sorted out. And while drugs weren't a source of loneliness, they have granted "extensions" in some ways. :)

One thing I'm finding (thanks to SR) that really goes a long way for me is opening up once in a while (which usually centers around MDMA or GHB, esp. both!). Talking openly, honestly, freely with someone, especially in that state (and reciprocating of course) has been absolutely wonderful for me, and seems to have a lasting impact. It's certainly not the answer to loneliness, but it's helped me shift to a more positive mindset/perspective over the past couple of months. So that's one way I've been dealing with it recently as I continue treading through circumstances into whatever is ahead.

All the best to you, feel free to PM anytime  ;D
Title: Re: Loneliness
Post by: SinningSaint on May 18, 2013, 08:42 am
Wow. Wasn't expecting this many responses. Thanks guys, you rock.
I've moved many times in my life. In total, maybe 7 times. The feeling has definitely been present in my life for a while, but seems to just get worse as time goes on. My loneliness comes from lack of understanding myself I think. I don't find pleasure in many things. Sometimes I'll pick up a hobby but then lose interest within a few months. I hate small talk with people because it seems so pointless to me. Which of course means there's not too many people I can talk to about more serious things. I even feel like a bit of an attention seeker right now for writing so much about myself because I'm not too used to it.
I agree that MDMA is a beautiful drug. I've had so many wonderful experiences with it and even met someone I dated for a while at a festival on it. A few NBOMe trips have made me think about life and my thoughts. I'm hoping to do LSD soon. Maybe that will give me more insight on things.
Title: Re: Loneliness
Post by: zvp1014 on May 18, 2013, 09:36 am
I'm hoping to do LSD soon. Maybe that will give me more insight on things.
Make sure that you spend the day in a good mood, thinking positive thoughts, before ingesting it. Once you're feeling positive, consider your life problems; I usually find that I'm happier than I think I am. Consider having a mirror around; when I look in one, I usually seem demonics, grotesque, disgusting; but if I look long and hard enough, I begin to see a future, improved me and gain hope that I can change aesthetically and as a person.

It's not as scary an experience as you'd think, even when purposefully facing your inner demons; I presume it's scary when you accidentally face your inner demons, but I have yet to have a bad trip so I wouldn't know- and I'm one depressed, anxious mofo.
Title: Re: Loneliness
Post by: moonflower on May 19, 2013, 10:58 pm
start by loving yourself 4 who u r - then finish by loving yourself enough to change the things that will make u a better person.  :)
this! love really is an essential part of healing. you must start by loving yourself. reading this may help, if you're open to it: http://www.wombnet.com/lazyman/
Title: Re: Loneliness
Post by: underbelly on May 20, 2013, 11:04 am
In all honesty to have a good life and be happy and content with what you got you must:

1. Love yourself (join a gym or take up some sport that you like which keeps you looking good, fit and make you feel as part of something bigger especially if you mingle with like minded people).
Eat right, go vegetarian or vegan or even paleo... see what diet works best for you, just dont follow the toxic SAD (Standard American Diet) as you will get fat, sick and die an early death from bad food and pharma drugs for cholesterol and diabetes.

2. Have some kind of a goal (find a job you like, get a hobby which makes you happy, fuck it make it 3 hobbies) Save money to go on holidays, buy a new car, or a house or a new jet ski or push bike!

3. Surround yourself with positive people who respect and/or love you. Avoid all the negative people who drag you down, make fun of you or hurt you and manipulate or use you. Life is too serious enough as it is, dont get stuck with dead beats who abuse you. If you have friends who put you down, ditch them pronto!

4. If you are a guy, find some girls to hook up with, go out and meet women every weekend, never take rejection personally. The more women you approach and talk to the more likely you are to meet someone who takes your fancy. Look up some good pick up artist (PUA) material on google.

5. Get a pet like a dog, cat, rat, hamsters, fish... a plant! Look after them. Having a sense of ownership makes us go on for decades because 'we must".

The world is your oyster or chemistry lab brother, do as you please just dont hurt other living things! Contribute and grow mentally and spiritually!
Title: Re: Loneliness
Post by: SinningSaint on May 20, 2013, 12:37 pm
All really good advice.
I think it's always been in the back of my head that once I am happy with myself, everything else will fall into place. It's just easier said than done. The voices inside my head tell me it's not possible to be happy with myself until I get into a relationship and get to a certain weight. But that's obviously changes that come with leading a happy, positive life. I just need to find something that will motivate me.

Currently reading the book/guide you posted moonflower. Pretty interesting  :)
Title: Re: Loneliness
Post by: lady meth on May 21, 2013, 05:55 am
i started using because my homelife was unspeakably abusive. now that its years -and addictions-including eating disorder- later,   NOW im trying to deal with loneliness. ive lost friends, family, marriage, money, cars.....and ive had it all, either way, nothing ive faced sucks quite as badly as bein alone all the time.   its really shaken me to the core how bad it can be, but, ive become strong.  im a warrior now...lol...i dont let shit bother me as much....i just refuse to give in to it.  i get high  and get myself out of it, its too easy to let that shit get on top of you, then youre fucked.  im tryin to keep in mind, this could be my last day on earth, no time for feelin like shit, lifes too hard to spend any more time in a negative spiral.  i just shake it off, and go get high.  i know its not the acceptable way, but it keeps me from the depths of despair. now that its apparent im gonna be alone, im just trying to tell myself that thats ok, its gonna hafta be, because theres nothing i can do about it except cry or not cry.   so when the tears come back, i suppress, repress, twist off, whatever i can do to get the fuck out of it. im trying to choose dont cry, but sometimes,  i cry myself to sleep every nite. i see things goin to hell around me, but i just keep on  stumblin along.  ive got a sweet guy friend who lets me get him off and release my `frustrations`.we get high together and fuck around, hes relatively shy and not a womanizer at all, so i go and throw it on him when i can, it makes me feel better, and hes cool with it..lol...but im thinkin im probably trippin him the fuck out. hes a country boy whose been thru hard times with past women, so i dont hurt him too badly, but i should probably give him a minute to recoop.   lol....fuck that......im goin to throw it on him right now! :D
Title: Re: Loneliness
Post by: Limetless on May 21, 2013, 05:57 am
Start kicking ass and taking names.
Title: Re: Loneliness
Post by: SealTeam6 on May 23, 2013, 08:29 am
The best advise I have is to try and purge yourself of feeling that don't help you survive or simply learn to enjoy all the different feelings you have.  Simply put, be the master over your feelings and your life on this earth. 
Title: Re: Loneliness
Post by: Barbijuana on May 23, 2013, 05:18 pm
Find a meetup.com group in your local area that does activities or discussion groups that peak your interest. Easy way to meet people that already have commonalities.

If you are lonely and horny, use and abuse the fat chicks looking for dick on Craigslist. Some of them are relatively more lonely than you will ever be and that, in a subjective sense, could make you feel better.


Title: Re: Loneliness
Post by: chil on May 23, 2013, 05:51 pm
Crazy, I was thinking about this issue recently...I think my poly-drug use comes from a feeling of loneliness. And I believe it's the case for most drug users who do drugs just a little more than occasionally. So most of the people here who come to visit the road at least once a day. Who can deny it ? Loneliness is so hard that you have to escape....

As for me, my stash is now big enough and I'll actually leave it alone for a while, drugs don't help getting rid of loneliness.

 
Title: Re: Loneliness
Post by: oldtoby on May 24, 2013, 01:24 am
Canadian opiate research in the 70's. It's difficult to addict test animals when they have companionship, safety, food, predictability. They just have little interest in it. But stress them, isolate them - suddenly they go after the opiates with a vengeance.

I think you're on the right track. You want certain aspects to be better, to feel better about yourself (weight, a relationship). It's all about incremental change, though. Little positive steps that leave you feeling better. Baby steps. A move is great if you're stuck with negative evaluations of others and you need a fresh start. But as the man says, wherever you go, there you are. I was feeling pretty low the other day till I went out and bought some fresh fruit and veggies. Just having that stuff on hand made me feel better. Cooking something that didn't come out of the freezer. Not a huge amount of effort but it felt damn good. Exercise, too. I realize that I need it. Really need it, or else I get depressed. The better mood is such an automatic result it feels like cheating.

Know also that loneliness is super, super common in the modern west. It's everywhere. Dude put up handbills on posts in a major U.S. city (I forget details saying I'M LONELY - ARE YOU? CALL ME. with his phone number, and he gets *inundated* with calls. So don't think for a moment that you're some kind of freak, that everybody else is happy, secure, confident. You'd never know who's lonely and who's not.

Take care. And if you ever feel like shooting the shit - I'm not on here particularly regularly anymore - but feel free to send me a PM on whatever the topic and I'll definitely get back to you.

oldtoby
Title: Re: Loneliness
Post by: goochihuh on May 24, 2013, 04:59 am
A lot of my self-destructive behavior comes from my loneliness.
I've dealt with an eating disorder and drug problems for years.
They're just tools to distract me from my thoughts. Because of that, I don't even get the full experience of drug use. I wish I could use them to enhance experiences, not depend on them to numb feelings.

I was just wondering how many other people began using drugs because of feeling lonely. Or if drug addiction has lead to it. And how do you deal with it? Does it ever go away or just keep getting worse?

Your first sentence is very much like me. It is the reason I use drugs absolutely. It hasn't ever gone away and the older I get the more depressed I get. Everything I have attempted has failed and there is only so much a man can take. Now unemployed....mid late 20's living with parents the confidence is sqaushed , I have got rid of my mobile and have become even more isolated but that is my choice.

It can get better if you make it but I have attempted on numerous occasions but for whatever reasons It has just got worse. Good luck OP.
Title: Re: Loneliness
Post by: goochihuh on May 24, 2013, 05:05 am
drugs don't help getting rid of loneliness.

But they help escape and mask it for the time being you have euphoria. The human being is meant to be social and communicate with one another but when that option is not there or very limited drugs take that place and help substantially imo.
Title: Re: Loneliness
Post by: chil on May 24, 2013, 10:11 am
drugs don't help getting rid of loneliness.

But they help escape and mask it for the time being you have euphoria. The human being is meant to be social and communicate with one another but when that option is not there or very limited drugs take that place and help substantially imo.

Sure. Just be aware that they may isolate you even more.
Title: Re: Loneliness
Post by: goochihuh on May 24, 2013, 03:06 pm
drugs don't help getting rid of loneliness.

But they help escape and mask it for the time being you have euphoria. The human being is meant to be social and communicate with one another but when that option is not there or very limited drugs take that place and help substantially imo.

Sure. Just be aware that they may isolate you even more.

Absolutely. Especially when the physical signs start appearing of drug use the few people you do communicate with will distance themselves even further but I am sure the OP gets the feelings sometimes that he has nothing to loose and things can not get worse. I know I have had that feeling. You feel the benefits of a nice high feeling and escape that awaits you after that line or injection or pill has more benefits then continuing your stagnent uneventful life where things are not improving and boredom/loneliness has and continues to take it's toll.

My thoughts are with you OP. With loneliness comes boredom , comes depression , comes feeling of hopelessness and self esteem and confidence issues. Sometimes it is not ones fault it has got like this either it is just the way things have panned out.