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Market => Product requests => Topic started by: ostrichface on January 08, 2013, 05:12 pm

Title: Being Jewish
Post by: ostrichface on January 08, 2013, 05:12 pm
Hi there
Does anyone know how I could fake being Jewish and legit register it somehow?
Any help? I'd be willing to pay thousands for such proof/documentation assuming it worked.

Thanks.
Title: Re: Being Jewish
Post by: iceman8989 on January 08, 2013, 05:21 pm
i can do all that paper work for u im high up in a company that does this, but just inbox me and we can talk more thanks.
Title: Re: Being Jewish
Post by: Barbijuana on January 08, 2013, 07:30 pm
Hi there
Does anyone know how I could fake being Jewish and legit register it somehow?
Any help? I'd be willing to pay thousands for such proof/documentation assuming it worked.

Thanks.

This is almost one of the more odd requests I've seen, but it doesn't beat the thread that was about the guy selling Shrunken Human Heads. I cannot help you, but my curiosity is burning about why you'd need this. Is it too much to ask for the reason? Very understandable if you'd rather not

Is it a marriage issue?

Title: Re: Being Jewish
Post by: BruceCampbell on January 08, 2013, 08:14 pm
Hi there
Does anyone know how I could fake being Jewish and legit register it somehow?
Any help? I'd be willing to pay thousands for such proof/documentation assuming it worked.

Thanks.

This is almost one of the more odd requests I've seen, but it doesn't beat the thread that was about the guy selling Shrunken Human Heads. I cannot help you, but my curiosity is burning about why you'd need this. Is it too much to ask for the reason? Very understandable if you'd rather not

Is it a marriage issue?

I'm an unlicensed physician. So all I would need is some midazolam and a good amount of painkillers, and I will give you a circumscision. Then all you need to do is go to a few delis and buy one of those little hats.

 8)
Title: Re: Being Jewish
Post by: proj on January 08, 2013, 08:17 pm
Hi there
Does anyone know how I could fake being Jewish and legit register it somehow?
Any help? I'd be willing to pay thousands for such proof/documentation assuming it worked.

Thanks.

This is almost one of the more odd requests I've seen, but it doesn't beat the thread that was about the guy selling Shrunken Human Heads. I cannot help you, but my curiosity is burning about why you'd need this. Is it too much to ask for the reason? Very understandable if you'd rather not

Is it a marriage issue?

I bet it is marriage issues. He probably wants to use a jewish church to wed and they won't allow it unless both have documentation proving their religion.

That's my guess based on how it works over here anwyas.
Title: Re: Being Jewish
Post by: beren102 on January 09, 2013, 07:57 am
i can do all that paper work for u im high up in a company that does this, but just inbox me and we can talk more thanks.

this dude is funny!
Title: Re: Being Jewish
Post by: microboilie on January 09, 2013, 08:15 am
just make a good comedy sitcom.
Title: Re: Being Jewish
Post by: ostrichface on January 09, 2013, 09:42 am
Hi there
Does anyone know how I could fake being Jewish and legit register it somehow?
Any help? I'd be willing to pay thousands for such proof/documentation assuming it worked.

Thanks.

This is almost one of the more odd requests I've seen, but it doesn't beat the thread that was about the guy selling Shrunken Human Heads. I cannot help you, but my curiosity is burning about why you'd need this. Is it too much to ask for the reason? Very understandable if you'd rather not

Is it a marriage issue?

For all intents and purposes yes (and she is israeli).
I don't mean any harm, and I realise it's totally bizarre  but it's so bloody hard to do it the "kosher" way due to distance and not the most welcoming community near me.

Gah, I guess I just thought it was worth my while throwing it out there and someone might know a thing or two. From what I've learned they're quite nepotistic and I've had ideas about certain documents I could produce to get a Rabbi's approval or convince someone.

Plus I'm too scared to out-right ask someone if they'll accept a bribe in exchange for their signature heh
Title: Re: Being Jewish
Post by: BruceCampbell on January 09, 2013, 09:47 am
Why don't you get a fake New York ID and go hang out in NY and just act jewish for awhile and shit. Maybe read the jewish bible torah thing and just figure it out bro. You can be a fake jew.

Saul Goodman!

 ;D
Title: Re: Being Jewish
Post by: ostrichface on January 09, 2013, 11:54 am
Why don't you get a fake New York ID and go hang out in NY and just act jewish for awhile and shit. Maybe read the jewish bible torah thing and just figure it out bro. You can be a fake jew.

Saul Goodman!

 ;D

I would if I could man, and I already know a lot about the religion believe it or not. But you have to go through so much and spend years doing a conversion course, and I don't even live near a place that offers it.
If I could just bribe someone to "overlook" the fact I lack proof like a birth certificate I'd be on my way :\
I think I need a fake document of some kind or a very nice rabbi who won't bother with details
Title: Re: Being Jewish
Post by: PintoX on January 09, 2013, 12:59 pm
Is your women orthodox?

if no - whats the problem, just go to "conservative / reformic" rabbi and your done in a week.
if yes -  your going to need to fake your whole family tree :)  guess you could try and bribe  a rabbi,  but not very easy as you need
signature of more than one rabbi (at least 3 senior rabbis) and some people to testify for you at a jewish court over a period of time.

you could always join the Israeli army and do the whole process in a year or so - but orthodox that lives out of Israel will not count you as jew at all... :-\
Title: Re: Being Jewish
Post by: ostrichface on January 09, 2013, 02:45 pm
Is your women orthodox?

if no - whats the problem, just go to "conservative / reformic" rabbi and your done in a week.
if yes -  your going to need to fake your whole family tree :)  guess you could try and bribe  a rabbi,  but not very easy as you need
signature of more than one rabbi (at least 3 senior rabbis) and some people to testify for you at a jewish court over a period of time.

you could always join the Israeli army and do the whole process in a year or so - but orthodox that lives out of Israel will not count you as jew at all... :-\

Well sadly the reform nearest me is a few hours by car and it's just not practical, plus it can take 2years to do it with them!
The family tree idea is not bad, if I can show a tree to one rabbi, get him to say "Oh okay" and sign a letter than I'm good to go once I show it to the Jewish Agency.

I'm not sure what checks they do, but I think if I forged a signature they'd call the place it's from to double check. So the key is pretending to have some kind of jewish background and hope that I find a rabbi to believes/doesn't bother checking much and just signs me off, not sure.

It's tough, real tough.

Anyone know if offering a bribe is actually illegal?
Title: Re: Being Jewish
Post by: PintoX on January 09, 2013, 04:44 pm
Dude, you are not serious if you cannot drive a few hours for a few times to go trough a reform conversion......
It DOES NOT take 2 years but a couple of weeks at most  (unlike orthodox that can takes years)

+ if your women can accept a reform conversion - than there is no need for you to convert at all cause a reform "rebbe" will marry a christian (or whatever else) and a jewish with no problem.

Bottom line - if you want the orthodox way - your going to work hard to get it, they are making checks that you cannot imagine and there is no "one person to bribe" but a whole system.
if the reform way is good enough for your woman - than you don't need to convert at, simple as that :)

Title: Re: Being Jewish
Post by: doink on January 09, 2013, 05:02 pm
 Does your lady know that you aren't really Jewish? Oy vay.
Title: Re: Being Jewish
Post by: ostrichface on January 09, 2013, 05:06 pm
Dude, you are not serious if you cannot drive a few hours for a few times to go trough a reform conversion......
It DOES NOT take 2 years but a couple of weeks at most  (unlike orthodox that can takes years)

+ if your women can accept a reform conversion - than there is no need for you to convert at all cause a reform "rebbe" will marry a christian (or whatever else) and a jewish with no problem.

Bottom line - if you want the orthodox way - your going to work hard to get it, they are making checks that you cannot imagine and there is no "one person to bribe" but a whole system.
if the reform way is good enough for your woman - than you don't need to convert at, simple as that :)
In my country at least it takes one year with the more liberal movements, and they are very inward looking. I've been involved in such communities before but it's getting harder and harder.
Like I said I already actually know quite a bit, but it would take years (the nearest synagogue is not liberal anyway)

If only I could fake a family tree or something and that way I wouldn't have to worry. All I need is a signature from a recognized rabbi, and I just have to convince him I'm jewish!

I'm not sure what kind of checks they do, it would be really helpful if anyone knew what they did to check
Title: Re: Being Jewish
Post by: PintoX on January 09, 2013, 05:16 pm
I will tell you what they check,

they need a reliable jewish family they count on - usually more than one family that will testify for you that you live your life as a jewish "keeping the mitzvahs"

more than one rabbi that will testify the same for you,

- also they make random checks at your house for YEARS
- need the testify infront of 3 respectable rabbis that will ask you million and one questions and tests,\
thats just the beginning.

SO:  obviously this is out of the question for you.

if you can a document that your MOTHER is jewish or your GRANDMOTHER is jewish than your good - if you can get a rabbi to testify for you about that and will say "sure i knew her family and they were kosher..."
 but there is not real "papers" that does that cause its all working with testimonials and they will check in the archives of like 300 years ago if this reliable :)

but again - your question seems weird,  cause you are willing to accept reform etc... and any girl that would accept that will not care if your jewish or not.
i would go for hinduism if i were you, much more chilled out...

*** Ohh forgot to mention,  if you count as a jew at one comunity it does not mean that other community will accept that (like othodox will not acccept reform never) - so if you will be more specific of what you need or what your woman wants it will be easier to direct you to the easiest way.
Title: Re: Being Jewish
Post by: ostrichface on January 09, 2013, 05:24 pm
I will tell you what they check,

they need a reliable jewish family they count on - usually more than one family that will testify for you that you live your life as a jewish "keeping the mitzvahs"

more than one rabbi that will testify the same for you,

- also they make random checks at your house for YEARS
- need the testify infront of 3 respectable rabbis that will ask you million and one questions and tests,\
thats just the beginning.

SO:  obviously this is out of the question for you.

if you can a document that your MOTHER is jewish or your GRANDMOTHER is jewish than your good - if you can get a rabbi to testify for you about that and will say "sure i knew her family and they were kosher..."
 but there is not real "papers" that does that cause its all working with testimonials and they will check in the archives of like 300 years ago if this reliable :)

but again - your question seems weird,  cause you are willing to accept reform etc... and any girl that would accept that will not care if your jewish or not.
i would go for hinduism if i were you, much more chilled out...

- pm'd you